Tuesday, 8 April 2014

chocolate mischief continues

It was son no 2's birthday on Saturday.

As a family (me and the babies) we never got into the gift giving or making a very big deal about celebrating anything, post divorce.  I would bake a cake, their favourite chocolate cake and I would cook them their favourite meal or we went out.  I did try to organise something for Saturday but Big Sis was working, so that cut the numbers for a dinner and son wasnt that keen either.  Son was working in the afternoon anyway.

I still had a couple more of those lovely cooking chocolate bars so after running around on my usual Saturday errands and battle with the supermarket hordes, I made chocolate brownies.

David Lebovitz is an amazing man, I love his blog and his recipes and one Gluten free blog (the gluten free girl and the chef) has said that converting David's recipes to gluten free usually give good results.  This time however, the brownies were already gluten free and decadent and orgasmic......

The Gluten Free Chocolate Brownies have just been voted as THE birthday baked treat I have to make for every birthday.

I didnt take any pictures, we dived into the baked goodies immediately so here is a picture off David's website.
Yummy.......if only mine looked as good

Saturday, 29 March 2014

Death by chocolate

It's dangerous when I am bored......I get up to mischief.

So it's a good thing I channel that mischief into my cooking..........
The twin was over here for a visit and she brought me good quality cooking chocolate as she knows I love cooking.  Today I thought I would make dessert, something with chocolate which I could enjoy with  a glass of red wine with said chocolate dessert........

after a lovely dinner of roast chicken and roast pumpkin, I had gluten free chocolate lava cake.......

I got the recipe for the chocolate lava cake Here and you know how
those chefs are always telling you to get good ingredients ......well fuck me, they were right.
It's makes a big bloody difference!

God damn it was good, as good as a great orgasm while having sex with a real live man, as opposed to having sex with BOB my battery operated friend.......but I digress.

Death by chocolate....the only way to go...

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

the long and short of it

As a Sikh  girl growing up I was not allowed to cut my hair.  While the parents were not uber religious they still conformed to the norm of the Sikh religion that we do not cut our hair.
me at 1

that's me on the left nxt to sis on her bday
with a big fat plait.  notice the 60's buns on the ladies
My father however, cut his hair when he went to India to do his flying, which of course pissed his parents off.  Mum kept her hair long in the early days of marriage and insisted on her children following suit........until my younger sister had her hair cut when she was a toddler as combing her hair was torture for both Mum and her.  Then when baby brother was born, the parents fucking cut his hair too!

me on the right in red, 70's
 when I had my asthma attacks,
check out the braids/plaits
So there we were the two oldest of the siblings with long plaits, while our two younger siblings had short manageable hair.  My hair grew long and thick and I could at one time actually sit on my hair.  I had to plait it every morning before school and when I turned 13, my hair was so heavy and thick that I begged Mum to let me cut it.  She finally relented and my older sister and I could cut our hair, but the length had to be down to the middle of our backs......

When I eloped with the ex, (I was 17) he got me to cut my hair short,
80's haircut! with my babies
as that would make it harder for the parents to find me I guess.....and I kept it short until I divorced him.  From then till now I had it at various lengths, keeping it boy short for 10 years as well.  My sons hated that haircut, for years they told me I looked like a lesbian butch out for revenge on men.....perhaps that was the look I was going for....... and I was hit on by many women while I was in my short hair phase.  I grew my hair out after 2007, when I started seriously looking for a man..........another Epiphany!

haircut  2007
Since then my hair has been at varying lengths but never have I gone back to the short boy cut.  This last two years I have had it long, and frankly  I am quite useless at doing anything fancy with my hair or putting it up elegantly, I just look messy and unkempt.  Lustrous hair is wasted on me.  I don't like spending time on my hair, or going to the hairdressers to have anything done, and I last cut my hair at the end of June last year!

I finally chopped it off on Saturday, not boy short but short and
from 2012 
bouncy enough to put a spring in my step and have everyone tell me I look fresh and younger....not that I want to look younger but it doesn't hurt the ego to have young men look at me and smile and tell me that I look nice with the new haircut, and after A bashed/minced/trampled/chewed and spat out my heart, it feels good.....

I tried to put up  pics from all decades, what is missing is the 90's but the hair was short like the 80's.  Whats also missing is the pic of me and the new haircut.

Monday, 17 March 2014

eating crow for the week

I always thought that once an old rocker hits a certain age they should just retire.  Like Ozzy Osborne, Paul McCartney (not a rocker but you get the drift).  Once they hit a certain age, the voice falters, the energy wanes and they look quite pathetic on stage.  Its heart wrenching to watch them when they cant sing anymore.

Last year I watched one of my heroes on stage - Robert Plant and I was quite relieved that he could still sing live, he may not have the full strong voice anymore but it was still there, and so was his charisma on stage.

The Rolling Stones are on their Asia leg of their world tour and tickets got snapped up in 2 hours!  The tickets were also overpriced but that is what one pays to watch rock royalty.  I wasn't too disappointed as I thought the concert would be a dud anyway, they are too old and even though I worshiped them, I didn't think they would be as good.....blah blah blah....... sour grapes........

they came out to say hi
Well the venue where the Stones were performing decided to hold a mini rock festival, inviting local bands to play in an open event plaza and open it up to the public for free.  Yes that's right, free!  and they were having a large screen and would beam the Stones concert out to the locals who couldn't afford the tickets, all for free as well.
I wanted to watch a couple of the old local rock bands that were performing but wasn't that keen to stay to watch the Stones........ well I ended up staying, and am now eating crow as Mick blew my mind!
Forget the fact that the faces are creased ( I applaud them though as no botox or surgery!!) and Keith seems to have a pot belly, their energy especially Mick's would put some younger rockers to shame.  That man oozes charisma out of every pore in his body, that pout, the moves ( like only Jagger can do) haven't slowed or changed since he started this rock thing.  The man is 70 for fucks sake!

So this week I shall humbly eat crow and admit I was oh so wrong about the Stones!

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

self censorship

When I started this blog I naively thought that I could write anything I wanted to.
I would write it as it is........write everything that was happening to me......be open about everything.
Well that hasn't happened.

I find that I don't want to share everything.  This last couple of months there have been changes happening in my life but I choose not to share as it's very painful and personal.  While writing is cathartic and I have several drafts  to prove it, I wont publish those posts.
Is it self censorship or is it that  in this day and age of over sharing I want some things left private (that's why I have a love hate relationship with Facebook!)
  I keep to myself the most private things that are going on in my life as publishing those thoughts will involve hurting people I love and care deeply about..

I am not coping well with the stress of whats been happening and for me that's a first.  My big sis thinks my hormones have gone out of whack and I think I am living in some LSD fueled private hell.  Alcohol is no longer the relaxing beverage it used to be.  It now makes we weep for no apparent reason ( after at least 5 gins.  I am still ok after 3 but beyond that ....beware the weeping monster).

If this is menopause well then,  I don't want it, take it back!  But I doubt it is Menopause.  I think its decisions that I have to make and coming to terms with family that have broken my heart.  I have always been good at sweeping feelings under the rug and just getting on with things..... I guess its time to face the issues and not hide away.

Until then I will be biting my tongue.....

Friday, 28 February 2014

random thoughts on a crowded train

 I still am having trouble getting to work on time, 8 out of 10 times I am 5 minutes late.  Not a big deal except that I pride myself on always being on time or early for work.

Its the trains and the buses fault, not because I procrastinate and read the paper and have breakfast and then try out 5 different outfits before I have to leave the house in a hurry, cursing myself for procrastinating and eating all those choc/chips/whatever the night before and my tummy is bloated again and I look fat in that dress.........

I stick the earphones in and look for Tom on my IPod and drift off .............

" nose feels funny, Oh God I hope there isn't a booger sticking out"

" Damn bus is late again"

" OOh that woman's wearing really nice shoes, I wonder where she got them, If I asked her she'd think I am nuts, better not ask her"

"  Damn train is full again"

"Oh My GOD, is that a dirt track down that woman's back!  I wonder If I have one!! Nah, I use a wash cloth"

"I can smell bad breath, damn crowded train, I hope no one farts now!"

"ooh he looks nice"

"I hope that dick isnt in the office today"

"  Ooh another one, Yummm, perks of going to work into town, so many yummy men to look at "

"led Zep time"  Changing music so I can get to listen to Bron Y-aur Stomp as I walk from train station to office.  That has to be the best walking song, its perky catchy and has a damn good beat.

"seriously is she going to a cocktail or the office in that dress, I can see the back of her bra!"

" why is that man looking at me....I MUST  have a booger sticking out of my nose"

The joys of standing cheek to jowl with my fellow commuters and being just one of the little hamsters in a big bad world..........

Friday, 21 February 2014

the story teller

 I've been listening to Tom Waits alot recently and while I call Bob Dylan the poet, Tom is the storyteller.  He weaves his stories in my ear as I  ride the packed trains to work, and there is this song, an invitation to the blues that transports me to a movie set and I can see this movie playing.

The whole movie like the song is in the diner, 2 hours of the movie would be this guy wondering if he should stay or go while he watches this woman, with flash backs of her life and how she got there and his life too.  I can see the set, I can see him sitting in a corner watching her as she walks around doing her job.  I can see the customers coming in and out..............god I love Tom Waits..............

here is the song....

Thursday, 13 February 2014

life lessons from a non swimmer

So its been a month back in the working world, in a new environment.

This morning while I was in the shower ( funny how all life's Epiphany's happen in the shower) I thought about all the different types of personalities that make up the office dynamics.

its like swimming
me ...all eager

you have those in the office that warn you about the dangers of swimming in deep waters and tell you how to deal with it, and they will be the ones that will throw you a life line if you get into trouble.  I like these kinds!

then you have the ones that will warn you and will run to find help should you get into deep waters and are flailing about.  But they don't hang around to see if you drown or are saved.

then you have the ones that warn you of the dangers, don't bother to call for help or help you should you go under.  the I told you so's.

then of course there are the ones that warn you, help you and of course try to save you themselves but invariable get dragged under as well.....those are the good but misguided ones.

then there are the ones that don't warn you, keep silent and watch you go deeper, but raise the alarm as you go too deep, and leave you to it. The,  Its not my problem sort.

then the most infamous of them all are the ones that don't warn you, keep silent as you wade in and watch  as
you go deeper and deeper until you are totally under, walk away and if someone raises the alarm then its fine and good, but will be quite happy if no one did,  and later tell everyone how "he/she" shouldn't have gone so deep.
These are the ones to watch out for.....

and I seem to have one sitting very close to me..............

Friday, 7 February 2014


As one gets older you begin to realise that the world doesn't see you as a person anymore,  you end up shuttled into categories and labels.

I was really excited this morning after reading an article about a new heritage walk to commemorate the falling of Singapore to the Japanese during World War II, but my excitement quickly turned to one of sheer horror.  I, at 51 years of age was not allowed to go for the walk!   It was open only to people 12 years to 45 years of age due to the difficult terrain.

Now would a 12 year old be more fit than say a 55 year old that ran marathons? But lets not compare a marathon runner to a child.  What about me,  I did walks in NZ that were an hour long on trails and I am quite sure I could do this slow heritage walk.
I am going to email them and register for the walk and will ask them about the utter ridiculous age restrictions imposed.  Lets see what reply I get.

UPDATE:  I eventually got a reply to my "registration" for the walk, after I emailed them again to enquire if I had managed to be one of the lucky ones to get a place.  I was told politely that the walk was over subscribed but thank you for your interest.  So I emailed back asking if the walk was oversubscribed at my first email or second. The age restriction was never mentioned in the reply, they simply took the easy way out, that the walk was over subscribed.  These walks are very informative and the National Heritage Board should be doing them more often, not just at special occasions.  hopefully they do and no more stupid age restrictions.  I do feel cheated though, I wasn't allowed to argue my point that us seniors aren't as soft as they think we are!

Sunday, 2 February 2014

celluloid dreams part deux

So in continuation of all those movies I was supposed to go see,

Wolf of Wall Street
Our censors passed this under the rating of R 21- which meant only people over 21 could go see it.  One would think that there would be no cuts to the movie and we, as responsible adults could go watch all the tits and ass, sex  and the cocaine sniffing (one does sniff cocaine right?)
Anyway, we got to see all that and the masturbating scene, but our censors snipped out the gay orgy scene.  Why, cos obviously we will all find that scene such a turn on that we would want to go have gay sex!  or are our powers that be just plain homophobic!
The story of course is about wall street's greed and debauchery and it is in full glory in this movie.....
Martin Scorsese tells beautiful stories, he is one of the directors that I would watch no matter what, this is one of Marty's good ones!  Leo should get the Oscar for this one.

Dallas Buyers Club
Mathew McConaughey plays an AIDS patient who in the early days didn't get the right drugs to help him so he finds other means to get the right cocktail. Great story, told well and I don't think he should get the Oscar, Leo deserves it.  Jared Leto on the other hand, did a brilliant job, fabulous acting from the pretty boy!  The  question is however, will the right man get the Oscar for best male performance or will they give it Matt for losing all that weight and looking frightfully thin!

Inside Llewyn Davies
Anything the Coen brothers do I will watch, and I am glad I watched this.  funny, poignant great dialogue, great music....My kind of movie.  One cannot watch a Coen brothers movie just once, it has to be watched several times.  You will always find something else to think/ laugh about each time you watch it.  This was also probably the only movie from all the ones I have seen that didn't  have nudity and sex, very refreshing.

August Osage County and Her  - these two are on the list but  so far  I haven't been able to get the time to watch them.  I could go during the week after work but the screening times are at mid day, when I am at work.  Hopefully they will still be playing  this weekend.... If not it's buy online or wait for DVD.

It's been fun chasing the celluloid dreams, back to reality now.....

Sunday, 26 January 2014

another fine mess

So I have been seeing Ice Cream man pretty regularly, once a week with some breaks when he was away etc but its been sort of regular.

Last night he invited me over to his flat for dinner, he made melon and prosciutto for starters and we got takeaway pizza.

It was a bit awkward at his place as he sat as far away from me as possible.  I don't know if he was nervous or that he didn't want me to think that he was going to pounce on me so he sat far away  We chatted and ate and shared a bottle of bubbly, but there was no physical contact at all.  None.  At the end of the night it was more awkward as I think he wanted to kiss me but didn't know how to approach that.  Frankly neither did I.

However,  I was relieved he didn't kiss me or try anything.

Which brings me to the question, Why do I feel so awkward, Why can I not move on and let someone else into my life!
So I am going to jump the gun here and tell him that I am not ready for a relationship.  I am going to stop seeing him.  I cant do it, I cant move on yet.
What the fuck is wrong with me!!

I seem to have found myself in another fine mess.............

Friday, 24 January 2014

superwoman has left the building

After 9 months of not following a clock and schedule I was brought back to earth with a resounding thud this last weekend.

A full week at work, learning the ropes in a new job and a new company and a weekend with errands to run, which included doing things for Mum, left me gasping for air on Sunday.

Saturday morning I had to meet Mum and take her to the optician to get her new prescription glasses.  As I too needed an eye check (my myopia is getting better as the eyes correct the short and long sightedness by itself) to see if my bifocal progressive glasses needed changing ( fuck getting old and wearing bifocals).

Mum and I had lunch after which we did a bit of shopping and I waited with her at the bus stop.  Half an hour later, after swearing at the bus companies as they were raising bus fares but still couldnt get the timing of the buses right, I flagged a taxi and put Mum into that.

The rest of Saturday was me running to make the 2.45 pm screening of a movie to find that when I got to the Cineplex, there were no more (good) seats for that screening, off again to another Cineplex close by and getting my preferred seat to watch one of the list of Oscar nominated movies.

Perhaps I was trying to do too much in one weekend.  After work its usually back home to cook dinner, and enough for me to pack for lunch the next day ( am still trying to be gluten free so takeaways are not a good option for me) and lets not forget laundry.  So I figured that I could indulge in a movie on the weekend.........
I had to do grocery shopping after the movie and its just so damn crowded everywhere in Singapore that I wondered if commuter/pedestrian rage will be the next big thing here.....road rage already is an issue but if you see the crowds in our underground rail system or in the malls on a saturday evening you too would wonder about commuter/pedestrian rage!

By the time I sat down to have dinner at 9pm I was so overwhelmed with my day and knowing that I had lots to do the next day,  I cancelled a  Sunday afternoon date  with Ice Cream man.  He had messaged earlier and when I told him I was in the movies, he said he would have come with me if I had asked.  It never occurred to me to ask....

Obviously my super powers arent working, somehow somewhere my personal kryptonite has found a way to corrupt my internal system.  Priorities have to be redefined. I have finally realised that I just cant do it all   Damn it I dont want to be Superwoman anymore!

Sunday, 19 January 2014


I recently learnt a new acronym.

F - Failed
I - in
L- London
T - Tried
H- Here

For years men have been coming to Asia to work, either with big bucks to accompany their sojourn in the exotic east or totally skint like the majority of us.  The ones with the hefty expat packages were the CEO's and like, and they got the big housing allowances and lived it up in full comfort that their money could afford.
The Asian woman of course threw themselves at these men, even the married ones. Once the contract was over, the men go home with the families and forget the mistresses that they had.  Or they divorce their wives of 20 years and set up home here with the (much) younger  new Asian wife.

On the other hand you have the ordinary Caucasian male that comes over here.  He has heard stories of how Asian women throw themselves at them ( and he heard right) all because he is a white skinned male.  He doesn't need to be good looking, or have the body of Adonis, as long as he is white he will get laid.  There are hundreds of single white men here, from the young to the old, all waiting for their jungle bunny ( a derogative term for Malay or Indonesian women,  this one I first heard from the expat wives) or to get yellow fever ( an affliction that single white males who date only Chinese women get ).

Which is how the acronym FILTH came about.

It is I guess a male Caucasian  equivalent to what we call our women who throw themselves at only white men - The SPG or Sarong Party Girl.  I have had that moniker thrown at me as I do date white men but they aren't my only source of amusement, I have dated Asian and Indian men too (see my post here on sarong party me) .

Its not all about chasing the exotic though, there are the genuine cases where two people meet, fall in love and make a future together.  It is however exotic, it is different, whether its from the Caucasian point of view or from the Asian.  Its different.  Its not always better, its just different.

I do think that there is some truth in me being labelled an SPG,  I tried to date  Asian men but most of them just didn't hold my attention long enough.  I relate to men that have had a more "western" outlook to life and if there were Asian men out there who were brought up in the west and had the same sense of warped humour I had, then I would be asking him out. Until then I guess I will be the (ageing or is it over the hill) SPG and the  (older) FILTH are quite welcome to ask me out.

Thursday, 16 January 2014

celluloid dreams

 Each year I try to make time to watch all the movies that are Oscar contenders,  but invariably fail.   I then turn to  the DVD's  or wait for the movies to be shown on cable TV (which in Singapore isn't a great option  as censorship is pretty tight so tits and ass get cut out and bad words bleeped over and any gay scenes are butchered out of the movie)

Even with the censorship rules, Singapore has always been a movie loving culture, as  frankly, there is nothing else to do on weekends.  we either go for a movie, wander aimlessly through shiny malls or eat.  I do wish that we had better movies playing at the cinemas and not just the usual blockbusters but well..... one does live in hope.

I watch movies on my own, as I dont see how watching movies with someone is fun.  You sit in the dark watching a screen and no talking or interaction with the person next to you, seriously no talking during a movie........so why bother watching it with someone..... and I like my popcorn, one big bucket all to myself and I am sure a date would be horrified at the way I can munch through all that popcorn.....

So these past couple of months when I was still free and not a slave to my bank account, I managed to catch a few of the much anticipated releases.

1.  Desolation of Smaug - the second installation of the Hobbit series - I am a big fan of Peter Jackson and the lord of the rings etc so this one was a no brainer and a had to watch movie.... and while Peter Jackson did take liberties with the story, it is still a magnificent piece of story telling.

2.  The Counsellor - I really liked this and no not because it starred Javier Bardem and  Michael Fassbender.  The movie starts with Michael F in bed with Penelope Cruz and the inevitable sex scene but this sex scene is one with a difference, its an oral sex scene where he goes down on her......... anyway..... I watched it on my own which as it turns out was a good idea.   It would have been an awkward moment if as planned,  I had watched it with Ice Cream Man.  That sensual scene at the beginning would have had me squirming in my seat while seated with a date. One doesn't go watch these kind of movies with someone one has just met.....
I enjoyed the movie and its one of those movies that provokes one to start thinking after you leave the cinema.  its about consequences.

3.  12 years a Slave - While this was a very interesting story, very heartfelt, and disturbing, I found some of the way it was filmed a bit irritating.  The breaks between scenes where the camera looks off into the distance were a  bit too long drawn out and quite senseless.  But I did love the movie and cried like a baby

4.  American Hustle - Christian Bale and Amy Adams were very good in this.  All of the cast were good  but I am a big Christian Bale fan  and while he may be a prat in real life, he transforms into a whole new character while on film. This one I want to watch again as there was a man sitting in front of me who kept turning around and giving me dirty looks when I was munching on my popcorn which in turn made me very conscious of the noise I must have been making, which made me tense and I didn't quite enjoy the experience. Stupid dick.

There are a few more that I am eagerly waiting for and will watch before the Oscars.

1.  Wolf of Wall Street
2.  Inside Llewyn Davis - Coen Brothers - nothing left to say but a must watch for me
3.  Her

I guess real life has its limitations which is why my celluloid dreams hold so much fascination..........

Sunday, 12 January 2014

the new job

I knew it would take me a few days to get used to rushing around like a headless chicken each morning.  I knew that I would have to rush through my morning ritual of coffee and papers, gone were the days of relaxing and reading the papers for 2 hours each morning.  I had to condense that pleasure, like instead of a two hour love making session I get a 5 minute quickie by myself (which is what sex is like for me these days so I should be used to it ...right?)

The worst part of the morning however is the what to wear debacle, and shit I don't have nice shoes to wear to work either..... or is that reserved for the commute.... squeezing myself into crowded trains to get to work on time..
put all that with learning to work with new people and a new environment and you come up with my first week at work.....its been an education.  I was an unproductive member of society  for nine months ( I could have had a baby!!) and getting back into the swing of things is taking time.  I resent the fact that I have to go back to work which makes things so much worse.

Educating myself on the intricacies of the office politics is my first priority, learning who is the office bitch, the office gossip and the usual back stabbers has already started.....lesson one was on Friday morning....

But I will get used to it, I will become a drone once again and I will learn how to avoid gossip and politics.

On the upside,  I have old colleagues I worked with for years here and these are people I like and trust.   I get to go out everyday and interact with people, no more sitting at home and talking to the plants just to make sure I haven't lost my voice.  I also now work right smack in the middle of Singapore's shopping street and I get to feast my eyes on window displays and attractive men that work in the area. My new role also is a challenging one with me having to work and create new processes which is what I enjoy doing.

So its not all doom and gloom, I just need to shake off the lethargy and enjoy the work again.....

Saturday, 4 January 2014

Dopey, sleepy and grumpy

I have been sick since the 28th of Dec.  It started with a fever,  then escalated into a very bad viral flu.  I am still coughing like a TB patient which is exhausting.

The coughing is worse at night, sleep is the last thing on my mind when my lungs and chest are aching as I sit up in bed coughing.  I cough to the point where I am hoping my lungs would jump out, sort themselves out and then jump back in.....
The meds make me dopey, sleepy and everything seems like a dream sequence in a movie.  My head feels like its got cotton wool for brains, which is quite worrisome as I start my new job in 2 days.
Not a good start to a new job if I take on the personality of three of the seven dwarves, sleepy, dopey and grumpy.

I was doing the new year family thing at my place and I was feeling a bit better on Monday, enough for me to go get necessities with son.  No 2 and clean the place to make it visitor ready.  By the time New Years came around, I was back to having a fever and coughing.  Lots of coughing.
I can't take the meds as they incapacitate me, which means a slower  recovery but I have no choice.  I still have the place to clean etc and do laundry  before work on Monday.  I can't afford another day like today where I was so doped out that I slept the whole bloody day!

So fingers crossed that I recover enough to make it to work meds free.

Friday, 27 December 2013

where did the year go......

2013 seemed to go by in a flash.
This was supposed to be my navel gazing year.  My year to see if I liked who I had become, my year to change some things that were not working.
 I set myself some realistic resolutions last year (after all I am wiser right??) and lo and behold I seem to have pulled it off!  I have achieved some of the things I set out to do.

my goals for 2012 were

Resolution no 1
I am going to speak up more and tell people what I like and what I want.  I tend to shut up and let things flow even if I don't like it 
And I did.  I stood firm and made a stand on a few issues, what I wanted from a relationship (although not resolved, I am more vocal in asking for what I want) and the other was to say it was not OK how people treated those that I love.

Resolution no 2
I will go out with all the men that ask me.  Errrr perhaps I may not go out with all but the majority of men that ask me.
And I did! I dated and met new people and while not all were good dates, I did find that good decent men do exist.

Resolution no 3
I will travel in 2013.
I may not have travelled to all the places I wanted but I did spend 6 weeks in the UK which included  rediscovering my favourite city London,  and 5 weeks in NZ, where I found  that running a motel could be hard but rewarding work and definitely on the list as my retirement plan.

Resolution no 4
I will be a better manager in the office.  I have been neglecting Corporate Goddess for awhile now.  She needs to step up her game!
Epic Fail!   Corporate Goddess has left the building, she quit, she has new priorities.  I start a new job on the 6th of Jan, but I am no longer in pursuit of money and am quite happy to sit on the low rungs of the ladder.  My job is a necessity to pay bills.  I am now comfortable with knowing that and have accepted that I am not ever going to be a high achieving corporate goddess.

I have learnt a few painful lessons this year.  Love sometimes isn't enough for someone to want to make a commitment. (admitting love isn't easy to some people either).  Family aren't always what they seem. Most of all I have learnt that I should trust my instincts.  That nagging voice at the back of my mind actually knows what its saying and ignoring it has pushed me into bad situations.  It was that voice that propelled me into the world of blogging and I thank Simone (the voice) for that.  Its cheaper than therapy!

So I wait for 2014 with open arms.......

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

letting go and moving on

so my emotional and dating life kind of took a weird turn a few weeks ago with me  actually believing  that I could carry on and have sex with A and date other men. and no I didn't go and have sex with A.
What an idiot!

I realised I couldn't do that,  because I wanted a full on relationship with one man, one man to love and one man to do things with.  I wanted that man to be one man.  you cant separate the two.  It doesnt work that way.  There has been some back and forth with A these past few weeks, He wants it to be simple and uncomplicated without the restraints of a relationship aka  friends with benefits,  and I want a full on relationship.  He doesn't want a  girlfriend (and he used the line "its not you, its me") and I want a boyfriend.  Can we call each other that?  boyfriend and girlfriend at our age..... anyway

So I have to stop deluding myself and move on.  I have to cut him out of my life completely and accept that being friends with him is just not possible, no matter how much I want him in my life. Its time to let go.

Dating Ice Cream man, lets call him P ( we have had 6 dates so far) has been an eye opener.  This man calls, texts, makes plans with me and talks about doing things with me.  This is what a secure, well balanced man is like!!  who knew they existed!! P wants to take it to a different level, moving it up a notch and not just chaste dates and chaste kisses on the cheeks as a greeting, which is how things should naturally progress.  I held back with P as I thought A would compromise and actually make a commitment (yes I know I am a fool) but as I have ended things (finally) with A, I am free to date, touch, kiss, make love to any man I want now without feeling like I was cheating on A.

The future without A (there never actually was a future with him was there?) doesnt seem so bleak, I know now that there are men that can make me a priority in their lives.  Even if things do not progress with P,  I know that there are normal decent well balanced men out there.

bring on 2014, a new beginning........

Thursday, 12 December 2013

Its about Race, its about looking past the Race......

I considered very carefully before I started this post, whether I wanted to write about it or not.  I have,  in older posts, written about race and what it is like being a minority in my own country.
I also questioned whether I take it too seriously.  Am I becoming more aware or am I becoming too sensitive to the little barbs about race.  One friend commented about one of my posts regarding sexual abuse "your kind of people do it"  Wake up people, its not a race thing.  there are bad hats everywhere,  that sort of thing happens regardless of race.  But I digress.......

Last Sunday we had riots.  That hasn't happened in Singapore since 1969.  So its been awhile.  A whole generation grew up thinking that riots and strikes happened everywhere else but here.  (A year or so ago we had a strike see older post )

We import our labour, all the construction workers, cleaners, lowly paid jobs are taken up by a majority of foreign labour.  We have people from Bangladesh, India, Pakistan, Myanmar, Thailand, China and Vietnam who labour hard to build and maintain our roads, buildings and estates.  They work 6 days a week and have Sundays off to rest. They congregate in little enclaves around Singapore to rest, relax and just hang out with friends.  Food and alcohol make up a big part of their Sunday get togethers.  when you put tired, lonely frustrated men together with alcohol, you will invariably  get trouble.  What happened last Sunday occurred  in Little India where the majority of the Indian workers get together.  Read reports here on the whole incident.  An unfortunate accident which resulted in the tragic death of an individual was the spark that started a riot.

It is not the race of the person that matters, it is not the Race or the caste ( as one comment suggested) of the individuals who rioted that matters.  It is however the fact that they took an opportunity to react in a violent manner that we need to address.  We need to ask why, and how we can prevent it from happening again.  As it is we house them in dorms, some are crowded, dirty and I am sure a violation to human rights, and they work extremely hard, yet we treat them like sub humans. Some of the dorms remind me of concentration camps.  There have been more cases of the workers being abused by their Singaporean bosses, then the other way around.

 I am not shocked by the fact that the riots happened, I am  shocked at the way my fellow citizens have reacted.  Online vitriol has escalated and on every blog post comments  you can read about hatred and racism towards the Indian nationals,  that I cringe to admit that I am Singaporean.  There are plenty of Singaporeans that have reacted positively but it is the bad apples in the bunch that give everybody a bad name, whether you are a foreign worker here or a citizen.
I would like to remind my fellow Singaporeans about our pledge that we grew up reciting.

The National Pledge

We, the Citizens of Singapore
Pledge ourselves as one united people
regardless of race, language or religion
to build a democratic society based on justice and equality
so as to achieve happiness, prosperity and progress for our nation

Can we not see that this pledge should be incorporated into our thinking when we deal with all that imported labour that has helped build our nation?  Can we not see that we should remember this pledge when we interact with our fellow citizens?

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

the unmade bed

I never saw the point of having to make my bed every morning, to fold the blankets and put them under our pillows (in the 70's we didn't really use air-conditioning and only had a ceiling fan whirring away at night so blankets were thin sheets that had to be folded up and tucked out of sight after use)  and cover our beds with beautifully embroidered bed spreads.

through the looking glass
Mum made us do that.  Every bloody morning.  I never saw the point of making my bed,  then messing it up again each night.  it was a futile exercise.  Once I got divorced (ex mother in law insisted on made beds too)  I stopped making my bed and have never yelled/cajoled or nagged the boys about their unmade beds. I don't mind crumpled sheets and covers, it makes it all so inviting in a way.  a made bed looks too pristine to mess up, it looks uncomfortable!  Comfort to me is messy and things I can cuddle.  It looks sensual and slovenly in a way.

the embroidery
Then I went and got this lovely white bed set, all pretty and white and
attempt at a made bed
embroidered with tiny blue flowers...... now,  I am not a girly girl but this lot of sheets and covers made me make my bed.  It somehow looked odd while messed up.........

I still dont make the bed everyday but when the white sheets are on, the bed gets made........
another lesson on never say never...........