Sunday, 18 June 2017

life in monochrome

Life is never just black & white

its never that simple

Pictures on the other hand can be, simple, clean, in monochrome
not that old a building

I have been trying to get some pictures of the old buildings i like in Singapore, buildings from the 1930's to the 1950's. There is this building I pass every day on my commute to work.  Its not old, well not that old but its dirty, moss covered, and sits alone next to a petrol station, with a spiral staircase at the back, moss covered and a little creepy..

I love spiral staircases, most of the older shophouses in the area had back access to alleys via these stone spiral staircases.

I just love them..
I have a thing for spiral staircases

probably built in the 1940's 0r 50's

see more of the pictures on my flicker page

Saturday, 17 June 2017

restless ramblings

I am sure its not only me, I am sure we all have days when we wake up in the morning and wonder “what the hell am I doing with my life”
Those sort of days seem to be getting more frequent for me.

I wonder if this is it, is this all there is to life.  I am unhappy, I know that much, but I don’t know how or what to do to change it.
Its bullshit when people  say “if you want change you just have to take that first step”

There's more to it than that.  There are other things to consider.

Responsibilities that weigh heavily.

My mother for one, and son no 2.  I want to leave everything behind, sell my home and say fuck the responsibilities and I am off, but I cant do that.  I feel tied down, constricted.

My mother said to me she was glad that P and I didn’t work out, as she was afraid that I would leave and go off with P.  that did throw me a little,  that she was so selfish and actually wanted the relationship to fail.
My mother is a complex creature who has learnt the artful use of manipulation as a tool to manipulate us,  to feel guilty, when we don’t spend all our free time with her.  The perfect Indian mother.
There are days I resent her and I hate myself for it.

I am restless because I find myself wishing son no 2 would leave home, get married and start his own family and finally I can start living my own life.
But how can a mother want her child to leave the nest… and why do I feel that I cant live my life…Ah Yes, I want to sell my flat and go find another place to live, far away from all my responsibilities and that would mean son no 2 will have no home.  My mother did a good job, I am a guilt ridden female Indian adult child. the burden of responsibilities......

I am restless also because of A, because I will not tell him the truth of what I want for fear that he will no longer want to spend the little time he does spend with me should he know the truth.  He has put me in one little compartment of his life and I am confined to that one little box.  It is getting claustrophobic.
Its almost poetic, this feeling of not belonging and the lack of feeling of belonging. its almost poetic, when people end it all
Why do people top themselves… because they feel confined, boxed in, they see no other way out

There have been dark days when I think ending it all will free me but I haven't reached that final stage where it all seems hopeless.

I talk myself back into facing life, talk myself out of the deep abyss, crawl out of that dark hole and pretend that everything is alright and I am not restless, I do belong…until the next time the darkness descends

Sunday, 4 June 2017

my day to regain my sanity

I usually go out to take pictures to regain my balance, bring back the sanity

apart from writing things down, my camera ensures I dont end up in a mental hospital.

its been a while since I went out and enjoyed a day out, before P left for Monaco we had a day out in aa nature reserve in singapore, Sungei buloh is a wetland reserve up north west of the island.

its where bird watchers go, and of course anyone who wants a stroll in nature, while looking out for crocodiles.. yes crocodiles.. and lots of monitor lizards that do look like a smaller version of  the Loch Ness Monster..

a day out in nature, fighting mosquitoes, humidity and heat, but i loved it

didn't see any crocodiles.. fortunately
Morning view 

Nessie's cousin...
to see more pics of my visit to sungei buloh - I split the albums in categories

sungei buloh

the lizards

the flowers at Sungei Buloh

Someone to come home to

I have, for the last decade, been searching for someone.  Someone to love me, someone to want me, someone to be with.

I found A, who didn’t want a relationship but was happy to “see” me once in a while
I found P who only wanted companionship.

I  hung around A making puppy eyes at him hoping he will one day look at me and realise I was the one he was waiting for all his life……yes I am delusional…

As for P,  we hung out, we went for movies, walks, dinners, plays, concerts… and it was real fun, he became like my best friend.. then he moved to Monaco..

So I now find myself wondering where to go
I am still seeing A occasionally and we text a few times on and off and there are days when I am tempted to tell him to go fuck himself and leave me alone but then there are days I think maybe even a little bit of him is good enough.

I miss P, we talked and spent time quite a bit of time together,
I somehow seem to have fallen for two men,  both giving me different things and both of whom don’t want a relationship with me..

what are the odds eh.. I know for sure there has to be something wrong with me that I look for  men that are equally broken as I am, men who wont commit, men who dont want to be that someone I come home to..

Saturday, 27 May 2017

It’s the simple things

I usually do not believe in presents for Mother day or valentines day or even birthdays.

I don’t think there should be one day to value the person who gave birth to you, or loves you.
However, sometimes some people need a small push in the right direction of showing appreciation to the woman that carried you and squeezed you out of her body.
So about a week before mothers day ( when I was ordering my mother some flowers) I sent son no 2 a link to a florist, if he was so inclined to get me flowers…

the lovely flowers I got
He did get me flowers, a lovely bouquet, there were lilies though, I hate lilies, but I was thrilled to bits that he actually took the hint.. and he made a reservation at a gluten free restaurant for brunch and included my sisters in his invite.

What a sweet boy…..

However those things don’t matter, what  thrilled me even more and warmed all corners of my heart  and toes was when he used the lactose free milk in the fridge (I am lactose intolerant)  and realised there was a little left in the packet, he actually got one more from the cupboard and put it in the fridge (I hate warm milk in my cereal)
He even has been washing his dishes…

It’s the small things, it’s the simple things that matter..

Wednesday, 17 May 2017

its about dignity

I have spent the recent months visiting various hospitals in Singapore, first with my aunt, then mum then the son.

While the son had insurance and could have gotten a room to himself, the hospital was full so he ended up in the general ward with lots of other people about.   Lots of elderly people.
It made me think seriously about when I get old. 

I watched the old men in the ward being fed, bathed, diapered and medicated, all by strangers.  The care was good but it was perfunctory.  The nurses were absolutely wonderful with the old men, they were gentle and kind but I wonder about the helplessness of it all.
It makes you think…

I dont want to be a burden to my family, as it will take time and effort to care for an elderly family member.   I don’t want to end up in a care facility or home  where I am ‘looked after’ by someone else. I don’t mind if I was able bodied and lived in a nursing home but  I do not want someone to bathe me or feed me or put me in diapers.  I may change my mind when I get to be elderly, I may be quite happy to be fed, bathed, be treated like an object that needs care.

  I really wish we could, like the movie Logans Run, know that we will be terminated at a certain age… not as early as 30 in the movie but say 75 and that’s it, and have the option, to be offed earlier if we get terminally sick. 

Yes I know there are legitimate ethical questions to ask here but seriously wouldn’t that help with astronomical health care bills and insurance premiums?
The hospitals, doctors,  Pharmaceutical and Insurance companies will of course cry foul, as they are the ones benefiting right now. 

Just think,  all of us know when we are to be terminated, so we live our lives accordingly.  We make sure we go through that bucket list and plan everything to end at 75.  No surprises, unless one is ill and is terminated earlier…

That way I know whats coming (yes I am a control freak) and I wont have to be dependent on someone helping me to wipe my arse, bathe me, feed me and in turn I don’t become a burden to my family as being a care giver is one of the toughest things to do, the guilt of not doing enough or the strain of doing too much.

But most of all it will allow me some control of my own destiny and perhaps dying with dignity.