Monday 30 January 2012

cholesterol

I am beginning to hate that bloody word!
So like a good girl, and keeping to my promise, I did go back to the docs to have another round of tests to check on my cholesterol, blood sugar and uric acid levels.
three months ago my doctor did say it was something to be worried about as the cholesterol levels were very high.  I went on a strict eating plan and yes sometimes I did go off it but generally this time I was good..... not good enough as it turns out.
The results have improved a little ( a little!!!! bloody hell!) but doc said he will give me three more months to bring it down further.  And guess what..... the one thing I can do to improve the whole lot...... wait for it.....EXERCISE

when I am gone

I have a morbid fascination with obituaries.   How they are laid out, the picture and the list of family that mourns them and the way the passing is written. I always wonder how they passed on, it usually doesnt state that in the obituary.
I would like my obituary to be the truth about how I passed on.  If it is a peaceful passing, fell off a building, got hit by a truck, whatever... it should state the real reason I kicked the bucket.  My mother has chosen the picture she wants put in the papers for her obituary.  I havent, but I think every year I should let my sons know which picture to use.  No harm in being prepared.  I would hate to have a lousy picture in the papers!

I dont know who will turn up for my funeral, and I wonder what they will remember about me.  Will I be thought of fondly or will they secretly think 'well didnt really like her so who cares if shes gone"
I wonder if I can make sure that only people I like attend the funeral?  a guest list,  and  those not on the list will be turned away at the door!  I want to be cremated, and I dont want any religious rites performed at my funeral.  I dont follow religion so I dont see the point in a religious ceremony to mark my passing.

What will happen to my facebook page and this blog, or my email accounts?  I guess I will have to give someone I trust the passwords and when I pass on, they can access and shut down what ever is required.
There seems to be alot of planning to do and as one gets older, you dont feel invincible anymore.  You realise that even in death you need to plan ahead
time to make that will and to give someone i trust all the passwords and instructions.........................

Tuesday 24 January 2012

why do i blog

Do I blog for me or because I have so much to say and dont know how else to get it off my chest.....
People never listen.  try asking someone how they are or prompt them with questions and you will realize that they will keep talking about themselves and never ask you questions about how you are really doing.

so maybe this blog is because I have things I want to say but no one listens.....

Monday 23 January 2012

complicated

Why don't they tell you its so complicated.  Why don't they tell you that talking to people and telling the truth just isn't on.  No one tells the truth, no one tells it like it is.
Everyone is afraid of a reaction, a reaction that they wont like, so they don't speak up, they don't tell the real truth.
We keep things to ourselves and  wait perhaps some day, perhaps one day I will have the courage to say it like it is
Will I?  Will I be brave enough to speak up.  Tell people what I really think of them. Tell people if I like or dislike them.  Life is too short to be surrounded by people who stab you in the back.  Life is too short to let yourself be stabbed in the back. Life is too short to sit around and wait to see what if
but will I be brave enough..........

Sunday 22 January 2012

belonging

I have always wanted to know where I came from, no not the birds and the bees stuff, but where did I come from as in place.  When I was younger (much much younger) I realised that I didn't look like the other people in Singapore.  My family and I, we weren't Chinese!!  What were we, where did we come from, were we Singaporeans?  Identity, that's what I was looking for, and it took awhile but I did realise that I was Singaporean but Indian.  It didn't help that my parents didn't conform to the Indian way of bringing us up.  Religion and Indian culture were never a very big part of the household and the thinking was very forward.  We spoke English at home, and it still annoys me when native English speakers say to me with surprise in their voices " you speak very good English"!!  We grew up in the middle of being Indian, Singaporean and in some ways very westernised.  With Dad being a pilot and flying everywhere he brought back to us a different mindset and way of being.  We as kids, absorbed all the multi cultural atmosphere he created with his travels.  We were cosmopolitan before it became fashionable.  I wont say we became less Indian or Asian but just that we were a hybrid of some sorts.

My paternal grandparents moved here from India, (Punjab) in the early 1930's.  My dad was born here but spent the war years in India.  I think it had to do with the fact that he was the only grandson of the only son at that time and with all the unrest, his grandparents insisted that he stay in India while my grandparents went back to Singapore in 1940.  They spent the war years in Singapore, in Middle road actually, and there are plenty of sketchy stories about my granddad being tortured at the hands of the Japanese.   Granddad took the family back to India after the war only to witness the war of partition in India (the British split India and left, leaving Muslims to fight with Hindus and Sikhs).  Granddad came back to Singapore in 1948 with my father, where he set up shop in Changi.  My dad used to tell us stories of him studying under the street lamps and sleeping outside the shop..... most parents tell this to their kids to teach them all about hardships etc, but with my dad it was true!

 My maternal grandfather moved to Singapore as a child of 2, his father came to Singapore in 1913 or so as a clerk first then an interpreter in the British Courts.  My maternal grandfather also served in the British courts as an interpreter.  My granny told us many stories about the war and how they (my grandparents and my mother and her siblings) escaped death just because.... no other reason why the Japanese soldiers didn't gun them down as they did the rest of the people that had been herded into the open street.

The family is spread out with uncles, aunts and cousins in Australia, UK, Canada, US, New Zealand, and those are the ones I know of. My Dads side of the family is very large as his father (my granddad) had 5 sisters and I am not sure how many siblings his mum had though.....  Mums side of the family is smaller but again everyone has spread out across the globe.

Where I come from and my family is important to me.  The village where my Dad came from is still there but alot more modernised now.  We used to go there for our December school holidays in the 70's and then it was  a sleepy little village with no proper sanitation.  Electricity would go off often and we would huddle in the kitchen with the open fire to keep warm and eat our dinner of vegetables that were picked that morning.  The village is still there, my unlce's house is bigger and has all the modern amenities now, even a satellite dish!  the food is still gloriously fresh but alas modernisation is creeping closer, with farmland being sold and factories being set up closer to the village.  I love going back there, even with the chaos of India.

I don't know if I truly belong in Singapore because going back to India makes me feel at home as well.  So its still a journey for me to find where I belong and perhaps like my grandparents before me, I will travel and find another shore to call home

Friday 20 January 2012

missed him

I missed him this time, when he was away.  We have had our ups and downs in our attempt of a relationship, the downs were difficult as we couldn't decide what we wanted or where this was going.  We still don't know, and I am learning to accept the fact that I cant control all situations (I am trying really hard!!)

We don't live in each others pockets and we aren't really boyfriend and girlfriend.  It is a relationship,  its exclusive, its committed in some way, but its not.  It is also so much more than just friends with benefits.  Am I making sense? ........ I doubt it,  but so far it works.  Which is why missing him this time was frightening. 
Its frightening because there seems to be a shift and I cant explain it.  I have not missed him this way before, I could blame him I suppose,  as he has been a lot more caring and nice.  So really it is his fault for being nice to me!  God help men, if I as a woman can't understand how we rationalise things, what chance do the men have??
But....What we have works and I don't want to fuck it up.  All I know is that I missed him.

the lottery

We all want to win it, except a handful of people I know.  But the rest of us, mere humans, all want to win the big money prize.  I dabble in the local lottery, not religiously, but sometimes, especially when there is the big jackpot.  Humble by international standards, our lottery jackpot is enough for us to queue up patiently and spend a few dollars so that for one day at least we can dream.... what if....
with the tickets safely in my wallet, I spend that day dreaming what if I did win the jackpot.  How would I spend all those dollars?  Who would I share it with, would I share?
Even if our lottery prize isnt enough for us to quit our jobs, it still lets us dream of a more secure future, at least a nest egg for our retirement.
So today I will be dreaming, just for one day only, what if.......

Sunday 15 January 2012

who am I

I am stubborn, well that's what my mum likes to say, but I say I know what I want and I don't compromise. (I have been compromising lately and it didn't feel right)
I like being in control of situations
I procrastinate, if I can leave things to the last minute,  I will
I am always on time, I hate being late
I am indecisive, offer me too many options and I will take forever to make up my mind
I am quiet but that doesn't mean I have nothing to say
Music makes me happy
I like escaping to my own world, into a world of movies or books
I hate being late for a movie, I must watch all the ads and trailers
I cry easily and laugh just as quickly too
I hate being teased or being the centre of attention
I enjoy my own company and am sometimes lonely in a crowd
I am frugal, or as my sister says "am so tight I squeak"......but that's only because I know what it is like to count pennies to pay bills.
I love to dance
I am happy in my own skin, full figured and short but hey that's me
I enjoyed smoking, and if I wasn't asthmatic I would still be smoking
I am practical but love dreaming
My favourite time of day is the morning, fresh brewed coffee and my morning paper makes it complete
I am a creature of habit but change doesn't faze me
I don't judge as I hate being judged
I am spoilt, and like my creature comforts
strange places don't scare me
I love food, taste and texture are important to me
I am passionate about all my causes
I love unconditionally and expect the same in return
I do expect even though expectations can lead to disappointments
who am I

I am me

Tuesday 10 January 2012

being faithful

I have always been a one man woman.  I wonder about men though.  based on all the "facts" out there, men tend to stray more than women, although recent reports indicate that women are now doing the cuckolding.

The ex husband was a philanderer of the worst kind (although I doubt there is a good kind) and that was one of the millions of reasons why I left him.  After the divorce, I found out about all the women that he had bedded and although I did suspect based purely on instinct, I just didn't realise how many of them there were!
It really shook me hard, I lost all confidence in myself as a woman.
Which is why it has taken me so long to try to find a special someone.
How do you know if he is the right person?  How do you know that this person wont hurt you deliberately.  How do you open up and let this one person in, on all your secrets and fears.  I have had my confidence shattered and I don't want a repeat of that.  With this attempt of a relationship I am slowly learning to trust.  But its got to be mutual, the trust and sharing of secrets and fears.
Its all about trust, faith, mutual respect, that's what a real relationship is all about.  the sharing of your whole being,  life, fears and secrets with someone special.  That's how I see it, I wonder if he does too........

feeling old

I have a bad back and it rears its ugly head occasionally when I try to do too much lifting of heavy things.  Last week I was clearing the cupboards in the office and on Friday evening I knew I was in for a bad spell of back ache.  So today I am resting at home, in bed with the sons old laptop propped by my side.
But I did have to go to the Doctors to get my  medication and a little slip of paper  that says I am medically unfit to work for the day.  So off I went slowly with an umbrella acting as a walking stick, to the docs.
walking slowly made me realise what it would be like to get old and have an unsteady gait and slower reflexes.
I see it in my mum, I see her slow down and she cant walk as fast as she used to, and her knees aren't in good condition so stairs are hard for her.
We don't realise how hard it is for the older folk, they walk slower and people in a hurry click their tongues in impatience at them and brush past them without considering that if they pushed a bit too hard, the older folk could actually fall.  I experienced that today, with my walking stick and bad back, I walked slowly and had several people make chichak noises behind me and brush past me impatiently.  They could have said "excuse me and waited till I could move aside for them.  We are all getting too impatient, we are all forgetting that one day we will all get old and slow down.
so from today I am not going to be impatient with the older folk if they are walking slowly in front of me as I know that one day it could be me......

Monday 9 January 2012

eating out

It takes alot for me to go out and have dinner or lunch or brunch even.  While I do enjoy the occasional night out with family or friends, I mostly like staying home and reading, watching TV, getting on You tube.  However I am trying to go out more and try new restaurants.  There are a dozen blogs already on food and the restaurant scene here in Singapore and no I will not be going down that path.
I think the Asian culture is very much centred around food, any occasion and we will cook or go out to eat.  My parents entertained alot, there were always parties in the house with lots of food and drinks and as we grew older, we participated in the cooking with mum. My brother and I have a good relationship in the kitchen, he dreams, creates the menu and I do!  well actually he does help but his time management sucks and I try very hard to steer the menu back to simple!
But back to eating out
It was my sisters birthday recently and mum and I treated her to dinner at an Italian restaurant in Greendale avenue.  We used to just go to the more familiar places and eat the same old stuff but I wanted something different and thank goodness my sister felt the same. The restaurant was small but it had outdoor seating as well, which is where we sat.  It was a covered area with decking.  It looked very nice but every time a waiter walked past us, the whole floor shook.  That kind of marred the whole experience, anyway... We ordered the antipasto platter and on it was the biggest mozzarella I have ever seen.  It was absolutely divine!  I was pleased as punch that I had moved out of my comfort zone and tried a new place to eat!  That Mozzarella made my week!
Anyway we have decided that once a month we will head out for dinner and try some place new.  Next month after Valentines day (no one in their right mind will eat out on valentines day!) we will head out to try Spanish tapas. We will take Mum along with us too but hmm we may have to gently guide her on the etiquette of complaining in a restaurant!

Monday 2 January 2012

date with sherlock

escapism in the form of movies. my favourite pastime.  I have spent many a days alone in the cinema watching my heroes on screen.  I  go to the movies on my own, I don't think it is a social thing.  how on earth do you sit in the dark with friends and watch a movie, there cant be any talking or sharing of experiences so why bother going with friends!  It is me time, time for me to enjoy that little  bit of escapism.

I went for a movie today, to watch Sherlock Holmes.  I got all excited, got my ticket, the popcorn and sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the ads to come on then the trailers and of course then the movie.  That didn't happen today..... I sat there with my popcorn, waiting for the ads when in the darkness (and it was extremely dark) a woman's voice called out to tell us that there had been a short circuit and could we please be patient for the movie to come on.  15 minutes later, no movie.  we were told they couldn't fix the problem, so out we trooped.  Popcorn in hand, I got my refund and a complimentary ticket and headed home, disappointed that I didn't have my date with Sherlock.
UPDATE - I lost the complimentary ticket!
But I did finally have my date with Sherlock....and he didnt disappoint!