Tuesday 30 October 2012

too old for love?

Is there an age limit, is there a use by date?
Are we supposed to sit quietly in a corner in our rocking chairs, once we reach a certain age?  Do we forget all our dreams just because we are older?
Do we ever get too old to fall in love, to want to have that special someone?

I am now 50, is it time to stop looking for that person who will look at me with love and adoration in his eyes. Do I settle, do I compromise on what  I want. Do I allow a man to tell me that he cannot commit and I just have to take what I can now and damn the consequences.

Its confusing, this whole thing about relationships,attempts at a relationship.  I don't know what to do anymore.

If you have followed my blog, you would know that I did attempt to have a relationship (I was and still am afraid of relationships) with the Frontier and we decided in May that it would not work so we went our separate ways.  Sometime in August he messaged me to ask if there was nothing we could/should do. If there was any way forward or some sort of compromise where we both get something. I am unsure about this as my wants haven't changed.  I still want him, I still really like this man, I still want a commitment.  Yes Yes I know, we don't always get what we want but for a relationship shouldn't we try our best to get what we want?

 Am I being too insistent about what a relationship is all about or am I right in asking him for commitment.  I do want some sort of commitment.  It is not marriage, its not moving in together. It is us being together in our way, being committed to each other but maintain our own lives as well.  Is it too much to ask of him, to meet my friends and family, to want him to be a part of my life?

So he has to think about what he wants, whether he can commit to be with me, to share my life and I share his.  Am I delusional in thinking that our type of relationship is possible? He doesn't think it is.  He wants boundaries, he wants things to be defined.  I don't work well within boundaries.  I don't want things defined. I know I will become bitter and a bitch if we go back to our arrangement as I know I am settling.

Its stalemate.  For now.

Thursday 25 October 2012

been a bit busy lately

Its been a few hectic weeks and life has been a whirl of activity.
Which is good
I had my birthday, had son no 1 come visit and now my sister from the UK is down.  Its been good family bonding time.
Work has been busy too which is good, as I was getting bored at work with no challenges.
So far all smooth sailing, with the usual bumps along the road, but they were little bumps that happen when families do get together!  after all life isn't fun if there was no drama in it.

Now if only I can get the other half of my life on track.
The part where I have this man that wants to be mine.

Monday 15 October 2012

smart phones?

There is this Facebook page (Facebook is useful for something) that is called Fuck Sensitivity and it posts lots of silly pictures, jokes and is generally  politically incorrect. Which is why I like it.
They posted this recently.  I would very much like to do this the next time I go out for dinner with friends or should I ever date again (one horror date was texting his ex-wife through out our date, and while I sympathise that they had an issue with their 30 something daughter,it still wasn't nice!)
 I think I would like to see how people react if I asked them to do this. To put away the phone and concentrate on the people that are there.
Too many of us are joined at the hip to our devices. Smart Phones and those pesky tablets. We cant let go of the need to be continually connected.  I wonder why.
Do we feel we will miss out if we don't constantly update Facebook  or  reply to every message  that we get  immediately?   Are we really that important that we are required to be contactable 24/7?

I do my best to never reply or answer the phone when I am out with friends or on a date.  I turn my phone to silent and only check my phone when I am in the loo or on my way home.  I figure that if I  have been asked to partake in a meal with friends I should give them my full attention. I have of course, on seeing people take out their phones, do the exact same, and check my messages.
 Time to stop.  Time to put away those phones and learn how to connect with friends the old fashioned way, face to face.

Sunday 14 October 2012

wonder woman is tired

my wonder woman key chain
Its been a hectic weekend
Saturday was a visit to the dentist in the morning then to go check out some Indian outfits (spent some money buying tops and cloth for 2 Punjabi suits) then on to the supermarket to pick up meat to cook on Sunday, then home where I baked a gluten free carrot cake ( turned out brilliant by the way, what else would you expect from wonder woman!!)
then in the evening went with mum to the 'Club' as she wanted to go as it was the 'Clubs' 160th Anniversary.
Put me within sniffing distance of alcohol and you know what will happen, yes I had a wee bit too many gin and tonics but this morning I had to get up early as I needed to cook enough to last me 4 days as come Monday, I will be on site for an event for 3 days..  They got me to agree to help them with this event solely due to the ego boosting " we need someone mature ( no that wasn't it) well mannered and pretty (that was it) who wore pearls and a black dress."
So going on site meant that as I was still trying my best to be gluten free, I had to cook my own meals and pack my breakfast and lunch each day.
The MotoGP was on today early as they are in Japan and that meant that I would be watching the races, while peeling onions and vegetables.
And to top it all off My lovely Lena, (who cleans for me each Sunday) called me at 11am saying she couldn't make it today.
Which meant I had to cook beef curry, chicken curry, 2 veg, rice, and my brown rice, then laundry (2 loads)
and vacuum the sofa and chairs, the floor, the bedroom and sweep the kitchen, run the mop everywhere and wash the bathrooms.  So yes wonder woman is exhausted today.

Thursday 11 October 2012

when the phone rings at midnight and its the son....

Right, I dont know about everyone else but when my mobile rings at midnight and I see its the son calling, I tend to panic.  Heres what happened last night( this morning)

Mobile rings, Its 11 minutes past midnight, I check and see it is son no 2!!

Me :  Hello??
Son:  Mum hey sorry to wake you but could you open the door, I cant find my house keys
Me:  yeah yeah ok.

I stumble out of my room, cursing him but thankful it isnt a dire emergency and open the door for for him.

Me:  what happened to your keys
son:  Dont know I must have left it at the Squash centre
Me:  Idiot
Son:  Where is the spare key?
Me, peering in the dark at my key tray :  Er here, oh shit I gave it to Lina (the lovely Lina comes to clean my place)
Trust me, at midnight my sleepy brain isnt working so well and it didnt click that I had to have a key to leave the flat.
Son:  Can i get your keys, I have to go out again
Me:  Huh! now!  then how am i going to work?  and wont you need the keys when you go to work?
Son:  er yah er so you wake me up before you leave
Me, looking at him and wishing he wasnt so big so that I could smack him once on his bloody bottom:  Wake you up?  Will you wake up so early to lock the bloody door, as you are probably going to be out all night!

I gave him my bunch of keys,  then as he started to take out the single key for our front door, out of my bunch of keys,  he said
Son:  shit hang on I think I put my keys in the other pocket in my bag!!

and sure enough there they were!

Me:  Dickhead!

Wednesday 10 October 2012

race

I am Indian, born and raised in Singapore, a tiny island nation in South East Asia.
I am a minority in my own country

Racism in Singapore exists.  We refer to each other by race and usually not in a very nice way.  We take stereotypes at face value and identify each race by those very same stereotypes.  This post isn't about my rant on how I have been treated in my own country, as frankly that pales in comparison to what has happened in Africa,  Europe and Asia and yes the USA.  In countries where they maim and kill someone just because he/she belongs to a different race.  Lets not get into the topic of religion either and how that has disrupted lives just because of a difference of how one worships.

Singapore leaders try hard to inculcate feelings of tolerance amongst the races, they have to, as we are a melting pot of cultures and left unchecked or not monitored could lead to  potentially explosive situations
We have the potential to create those explosive situations.
We rant and rave online (its safe to direct vitriol while hiding behind ones computers) on how the other races behave.  We direct abuse at people we don't know or care to know, just because they are different.  Its become too easy now to go online and direct hate at how one race conducts their wedding celebrations or how another race cooks food that smells different. 

We should be proud of who we are, race is an integral part of our culture and where we come from but it doesn't give us the right to feel superior to another race.  It doesn't give us the right to criticise another race.  I am no saint, i have done it a hundred times, criticise a person based on his/her race, but I stop and think everytime i do it.  Am I becoming just like the people who have directed hate at me because of race?  I dont want to be that person, I want to be better than that as I know what it feels like to be the subject of derision just because I am different.

Maybe this will be my new year resolution.  Practice tolerance towards one and all.

this post is in relation to the recent remarks one woman put on her facebook page.  Her remarks proved her to be bigoted and stupid enough to post it on facebook and not expect any backlash.
 

Monday 8 October 2012

why do i do this to myself

drink till I am pissed and pass out
I did wonder this morning how I made it back home and how did I manage to change into my pj's and feed the cat before falling into bed.  Oh and yes I did hug the toilet bowl for a bit before I flopped unladylike into bed only to have the horrible feeling of having the whole world spinning when you close your eyes, and like you are on a boat in very stormy seas.

Well brunch yesterday was fabulous, even if I did get annoyed at some friends that didn't turn up but well they had to work and I should stop being a bloody diva and get over it.

As buffets go, its one of the best we have here for Champagne brunch and the price reflects that!  There also is alot of food, and dessert and of course the draw was the free flow of champagne.  So we did the 12.30pm till 3pm of guzzling down as much Champagne as possible while trying to eat all the lovely Sashimi, foie gras and scallops and what ever else we could scoff down.
If I was smart, which I have never professed to be, I would have gone home straight after that and not have egged on a couple of others to go have another drink in town.  Which we did and which is why at 8pm I was stumbling home dead drunk and passed out on the bed by 9pm, and why today in the office I felt like I had died and my body didn't want to believe it so it just went through the motions of living.  And lets not forget about the hot flushes. The alcohol doesn't care that I take supplements to stave off the hot flushes, it seems to be thumbing its nose at me as if to say 'supplements, I spit on your supplements'  cue evil laugh here.

All I can say to myself is serves me bloody well right

Sunday 7 October 2012

damn it if you are invited, you dont say no on the day itself

so the girls got together to arrange a get together for my 50th, champagne brunch on a Sunday afternoon.
this morning I got a few texts from some of them saying they couldn't make it

Now I understand that life takes precedent over frivolous activities like brunch to celebrate a friends birthday..... and I have been guilty of this myself and you know what.... it sucks.
To know that your friends think that a get together to celebrate your birthday is not important.
Makes you think

I apologise to all my friends that I have done this to, there aren't that many but there are times when I have thought that I couldn't face a crowd or face another kids birthday party on my own.  But you know what, today I realised that its not about me, its about the person who thought you were important enough to warrant an invitation.

Am off to celebrate with friends who think I am worth the effort.
UPDATE - two of them made it in the end and two others were stuck in the office since Saturday.  All forgiven!

Saturday 6 October 2012

what a difference a day makes

actually it doesnt.  I was 49 on Wednesday and on Thursday I turned 50.
Did the world stop turning?  Did I suddenly look older?  Did I suddenly think any differently?  NO
Its just a bloody number, but why do we celebrate milestone birthdays?
I did mine a bit different
I took my family out for dinner to one of my favourite French restaurants then on to a dodgy pub to listen to some blues and on Saturday, we went for brunch.  We shared a meal as a family, which is what I like to do.  Tomorrow I will share another meal with good friends.  End of celebrations.

It has been nice to receive presents like flowers and cupcakes (I did eat some even though I am supposed to avoid gluten!!) but I have never been one to make a fuss about birthdays and presents.  Its just another day to me.  The only special thing I do on my birthday is to take a day off work.
me & my babies
Son no 1 made a special trip to come home for my birthday and that has been the best part, having both my babies with me to celebrate the fact that I am still  alive after half a century
Do I feel wiser?  Maybe not wiser, just more sensible, but then I always was sensible and practical.  I have realised that we have one life to lead and no one is responsible for our happiness except ourselves.  I am happy with who I am, I am complete.