Friday 27 December 2013

where did the year go......

2013 seemed to go by in a flash.
This was supposed to be my navel gazing year.  My year to see if I liked who I had become, my year to change some things that were not working.
 I set myself some realistic resolutions last year (after all I am wiser right??) and lo and behold I seem to have pulled it off!  I have achieved some of the things I set out to do.

my goals for 2012 were

Resolution no 1
I am going to speak up more and tell people what I like and what I want.  I tend to shut up and let things flow even if I don't like it 
And I did.  I stood firm and made a stand on a few issues, what I wanted from a relationship (although not resolved, I am more vocal in asking for what I want) and the other was to say it was not OK how people treated those that I love.

Resolution no 2
I will go out with all the men that ask me.  Errrr perhaps I may not go out with all but the majority of men that ask me.
And I did! I dated and met new people and while not all were good dates, I did find that good decent men do exist.

Resolution no 3
I will travel in 2013.
I may not have travelled to all the places I wanted but I did spend 6 weeks in the UK which included  rediscovering my favourite city London,  and 5 weeks in NZ, where I found  that running a motel could be hard but rewarding work and definitely on the list as my retirement plan.

Resolution no 4
I will be a better manager in the office.  I have been neglecting Corporate Goddess for awhile now.  She needs to step up her game!
Epic Fail!   Corporate Goddess has left the building, she quit, she has new priorities.  I start a new job on the 6th of Jan, but I am no longer in pursuit of money and am quite happy to sit on the low rungs of the ladder.  My job is a necessity to pay bills.  I am now comfortable with knowing that and have accepted that I am not ever going to be a high achieving corporate goddess.

I have learnt a few painful lessons this year.  Love sometimes isn't enough for someone to want to make a commitment. (admitting love isn't easy to some people either).  Family aren't always what they seem. Most of all I have learnt that I should trust my instincts.  That nagging voice at the back of my mind actually knows what its saying and ignoring it has pushed me into bad situations.  It was that voice that propelled me into the world of blogging and I thank Simone (the voice) for that.  Its cheaper than therapy!

So I wait for 2014 with open arms.......

Tuesday 17 December 2013

letting go and moving on

so my emotional and dating life kind of took a weird turn a few weeks ago with me  actually believing  that I could carry on and have sex with A and date other men. and no I didn't go and have sex with A.
What an idiot!

I realised I couldn't do that,  because I wanted a full on relationship with one man, one man to love and one man to do things with.  I wanted that man to be one man.  you cant separate the two.  It doesnt work that way.  There has been some back and forth with A these past few weeks, He wants it to be simple and uncomplicated without the restraints of a relationship aka  friends with benefits,  and I want a full on relationship.  He doesn't want a  girlfriend (and he used the line "its not you, its me") and I want a boyfriend.  Can we call each other that?  boyfriend and girlfriend at our age..... anyway

So I have to stop deluding myself and move on.  I have to cut him out of my life completely and accept that being friends with him is just not possible, no matter how much I want him in my life. Its time to let go.

Dating Ice Cream man, lets call him P ( we have had 6 dates so far) has been an eye opener.  This man calls, texts, makes plans with me and talks about doing things with me.  This is what a secure, well balanced man is like!!  who knew they existed!! P wants to take it to a different level, moving it up a notch and not just chaste dates and chaste kisses on the cheeks as a greeting, which is how things should naturally progress.  I held back with P as I thought A would compromise and actually make a commitment (yes I know I am a fool) but as I have ended things (finally) with A, I am free to date, touch, kiss, make love to any man I want now without feeling like I was cheating on A.

The future without A (there never actually was a future with him was there?) doesnt seem so bleak, I know now that there are men that can make me a priority in their lives.  Even if things do not progress with P,  I know that there are normal decent well balanced men out there.

bring on 2014, a new beginning........




Thursday 12 December 2013

Its about Race, its about looking past the Race......

I considered very carefully before I started this post, whether I wanted to write about it or not.  I have,  in older posts, written about race and what it is like being a minority in my own country.
I also questioned whether I take it too seriously.  Am I becoming more aware or am I becoming too sensitive to the little barbs about race.  One friend commented about one of my posts regarding sexual abuse "your kind of people do it"  Wake up people, its not a race thing.  there are bad hats everywhere,  that sort of thing happens regardless of race.  But I digress.......

Last Sunday we had riots.  That hasn't happened in Singapore since 1969.  So its been awhile.  A whole generation grew up thinking that riots and strikes happened everywhere else but here.  (A year or so ago we had a strike see older post )

We import our labour, all the construction workers, cleaners, lowly paid jobs are taken up by a majority of foreign labour.  We have people from Bangladesh, India, Pakistan, Myanmar, Thailand, China and Vietnam who labour hard to build and maintain our roads, buildings and estates.  They work 6 days a week and have Sundays off to rest. They congregate in little enclaves around Singapore to rest, relax and just hang out with friends.  Food and alcohol make up a big part of their Sunday get togethers.  when you put tired, lonely frustrated men together with alcohol, you will invariably  get trouble.  What happened last Sunday occurred  in Little India where the majority of the Indian workers get together.  Read reports here on the whole incident.  An unfortunate accident which resulted in the tragic death of an individual was the spark that started a riot.

It is not the race of the person that matters, it is not the Race or the caste ( as one comment suggested) of the individuals who rioted that matters.  It is however the fact that they took an opportunity to react in a violent manner that we need to address.  We need to ask why, and how we can prevent it from happening again.  As it is we house them in dorms, some are crowded, dirty and I am sure a violation to human rights, and they work extremely hard, yet we treat them like sub humans. Some of the dorms remind me of concentration camps.  There have been more cases of the workers being abused by their Singaporean bosses, then the other way around.

 I am not shocked by the fact that the riots happened, I am  shocked at the way my fellow citizens have reacted.  Online vitriol has escalated and on every blog post comments  you can read about hatred and racism towards the Indian nationals,  that I cringe to admit that I am Singaporean.  There are plenty of Singaporeans that have reacted positively but it is the bad apples in the bunch that give everybody a bad name, whether you are a foreign worker here or a citizen.
I would like to remind my fellow Singaporeans about our pledge that we grew up reciting.

The National Pledge

We, the Citizens of Singapore
Pledge ourselves as one united people
regardless of race, language or religion
to build a democratic society based on justice and equality
so as to achieve happiness, prosperity and progress for our nation

Can we not see that this pledge should be incorporated into our thinking when we deal with all that imported labour that has helped build our nation?  Can we not see that we should remember this pledge when we interact with our fellow citizens?


Tuesday 3 December 2013

the unmade bed

I never saw the point of having to make my bed every morning, to fold the blankets and put them under our pillows (in the 70's we didn't really use air-conditioning and only had a ceiling fan whirring away at night so blankets were thin sheets that had to be folded up and tucked out of sight after use)  and cover our beds with beautifully embroidered bed spreads.

through the looking glass
Mum made us do that.  Every bloody morning.  I never saw the point of making my bed,  then messing it up again each night.  it was a futile exercise.  Once I got divorced (ex mother in law insisted on made beds too)  I stopped making my bed and have never yelled/cajoled or nagged the boys about their unmade beds. I don't mind crumpled sheets and covers, it makes it all so inviting in a way.  a made bed looks too pristine to mess up, it looks uncomfortable!  Comfort to me is messy and things I can cuddle.  It looks sensual and slovenly in a way.

the embroidery
Then I went and got this lovely white bed set, all pretty and white and
attempt at a made bed
embroidered with tiny blue flowers...... now,  I am not a girly girl but this lot of sheets and covers made me make my bed.  It somehow looked odd while messed up.........


I still dont make the bed everyday but when the white sheets are on, the bed gets made........
another lesson on never say never...........


Saturday 30 November 2013

the nostalgia bug is biting......

old style bungalow in S'goon Gdns
I was born in 1962, and my parents were living in an area called Serangoon Gardens at that time.  Dad had just bought a small bungalow on Berwick drive,  which was close to mums parents.  Read  this blog to know more about the area, and yes I took some pictures off his blog.  We moved away from the area in 1968 or so but came back  in 1970 when Dad bought another bungalow on Chartwell Drive.
corner of chartwell drive ...i think
corner of Farleigh Ave 2013
It is still the family home and mum, my brother and his family reside there.  Like all the houses in the area, our old home too has had the total facelift.  Mum demolished our one storey bungalow and built a two storey monstrosity on it.
corner of chartwell 2013




the old dry cleaners, sandwiched











the old cinema
The estate is divided into sections where the road names  end with one of the following, Drive, Avenue, Road and Grove.  There are also a couple of roads with Place at the end and a couple with Close.


Cooling Close was where my granddad bought his house in the 1950's and when grandad went to live in Australia in the late 1980's, he sold that house to his oldest son.  My mums brother still lives there.  My primary school is 10 steps away from that house and it joins a church (St Francis Xavier's Church)  which runs along the side of the houses on Cooling Close.  At the end of the Church is Chartwell Drive and the house I grew up in.  So walking to school every morning we went through the church to reach school in 5 minutes.   We grew up in a safe, close knit community.  We wandered around to the shops, the park and each others houses daily and mum never had to worry about us.  If we scrapped our knees in the park, we would head to  Granddad's place and he would take get out his mentholated spirit  and dab our knees, sometimes it was iodine solution.  It fucking stung!
where the old cinema used to be

Recently our Urban Redevelopment Authority (URA) identified my old estate as an identity node.  which means they will preserve its quaint charm.......they fucking ruined it already so whats there left to preserve??
The shops havent gone double storied, they remain as walk ups even if they have destroyed the open door homely feeling.
Serangoon Gardens is one of the few places left in Singapore with a roundabout and not traffic lights at an intersection.  We called it the circle.  There was talk that they were going to remove the roundabout and put in the traffic lights but thank god someone somewhere vetoed that idea.
1963 picture of the roundabout..there was an old tree here too
and a massive drain on the right

2013 picture of that same roundabout and area
with covered drain
I am all for progress but I am also for preserving the old buildings before we destroy part of our heritage.  For Serangoon Gardens I think it has come too late.......We lost the old charm of the neighbourhood when old businesses were forced to shut down as rents were getting too high like mums old hairdressers (see here for my old post on that).



They chopped down most of all the old trees, massive Angsana trees, that gave shade in a concrete jungle and put in spindly palms.  They paved and made roads bigger as singaporeans drive everywhere even down the road to get a bite to eat.  They covered drains (yeah I know its a good thing) and the new generation of kids will never know what it would be like to crawl in drains along the roads, actually using an imagination to play hide and seek and war games.
the old tree was here, and an old taxi shed.......




I found a whole new world in an old second hand bookshop, at the end of the row of shops where the cinema stood, I bought stupid teen magazines with David Cassidy on the cover from the old shop called Garden Book Shop.  I moved to Farleigh Ave (with the ex)  for a few years as my boys went to one of the old neighbourhood schools ( no longer there now)




Captains cabin, Dads local pub, long gone.......



 So this estate has a very special place in my heart.  Nostalgia is a bitch, we hanker for the old days and old ways forgetting that not everything was as rosy as our memories think they were.  I seek the balance I guess, to preserve the old but still making way for the new.........

row of shops where captains cabin once stood

Friday 22 November 2013

Celebrating the heritage

semolina cookies
savoury bites
I grew up celebrating a Hindu festival called Divali It is the Festival of Lights plus a whole lot more for all Indians.  I grew up totally ignorant of the Hindu and Sikh meanings for the festival, I only knew that we got new clothes, mum and dad had parties and we made lots of sweet and savoury snacks.  We used to be dragged kicking and screaming into the kitchen days before, to help mum bake, fry and cook.
family with sparklers
cornflake cookies
Now we push mum into the kitchen to bake, fry and cook with us. We light candles at night and have a few (legal) fireworks.  Its family time more than anything else.
My niece with her henna

Lots of hanging colourful decorations
colourful clothes galore
the street in little india
buying sweet 
The garland makers
There is always a market in the area called Little India where people can go buy ornaments, candle holders and all sorts of bright colourful things to make the home brighter.  Fresh flowers, an amazing array of bright new clothes and henna.
getting Hennaed




Tuesday 19 November 2013

i am my own worst enemy

So date no 3 happened and again it was a good date.  We sat by the bay, had wine, chatted and took some night shots with my new camera.  However, Ice cream man is new to Singapore and he wants to see a bit of Asia while he is working here.  He wants to go away to one of the little islands off Malaysia's coast  for a weekend. and he asked me to go with him.

night view of the bay
so what do I do , I panic.  I jumped into manic overdrive and started thinking he wanted to push this to someplace I didn't want to go.....have sex with him.

Up to this point all the dates have been nice and friendly and we haven't kissed at all so him taking the direction of a weekend away made me think all he wanted was to go away to have sex.
He didn't.  We cleared it up over emails,  he understood that it was a big step to go away with someone, and while he did think I was sexy and adorable and did want to ravish me (his words) he was not ready for a commitment just yet as I was his first date off the website and his first date in 12 years.  So from panic mode I switched to "here we go again, another man wanting to keep options open"  but I realised he was right, we do need to date other people, and going away could be platonic. Couldn't it?

the big question I need to ask is why did I panic when I thought he wanted sex?  The thought of another man touching me kind of freaked me out, because I am not over A.  Do I continue to date or do I get over A first?  Which is proving hard to do as A and I are 'friends' and we are still in contact.  For me to move on I need to cut A out of my life completely which I cant do because a life without him is something I cant imagine.  Even if he just was my friend.  But being friends with A leaves me wanting more from him.....

On the other hand,  do I take what little A offers, sex and intimacy according to his rules, and find companions like Ice cream man to fulfil the other parts.  that way I get a bit of A and still have companions to travel and go out with.

The way I see it, I am not normal, and doubt I ever will  be normal where relationships are concerned.  I want the freedom to have my own life yet I want that special someone to be mine and do things with me which will include sex.  I don't want the normal domestic routine but I crave the normal companionship.  All I want is A to be that person but if I cant have him for the whole of the not so normal relationship will I be happy having him for one small part of it?  My head is a screwed up place!

Now you see why I am my own worst enemy...............

Sunday 17 November 2013

its been an interesting week...

This last week has been quite interesting

It started off with me being quite active on the dating website and it has given me a few good options and a few strange ones.  The scammers, or as I like to call them , the assholes with nothing better to do except try to delude middle aged women, are still ever present.  They bombard you with emails of how wonderful they are and how they will make your (or me in this case) life so much better by loving you to death in a stranglehold of love.
With my cynical and jaded outlook at life and love, I tend to stay away from men that declare their love for me after reading 10 lines on my profile.  Seriously!! Do women fall for that?  Seems that some do, and I learnt recently that men too fall for young exotic women on line.  Dont ask me why I never thought that men too get scammed.....you learn something new everyday.

But like I said, there have been the good ones too and I had one such date last Sunday afternoon.  We met for ice cream (I already knew I would like him when he suggested an ice cream date!) and spent 3 hours talking about everything.  It was a very nice and interesting date, I haven't had one of those since A's and Mr NZ's  first dates, which was like in 2007!  But  to be fair,  I was involved with one than the other since.

Having had my Cosmetic maintenance (thank you Vesta for coining the term)  done on Monday didn't stop me going out  even if I did have bits of scab on my face and neck.   I first met Mr NZ for a late breakfast on Tuesday for a nice chat and catch up session, with some flirting.  Yesterday I met Ice cream man for date no 2, lunch at a local restaurant and that too went well enough to stretch it to tea and cake.    I was hoping the scabs would have fallen off by now, but they still clung stubbornly to my face but I thought lets see if it frightens him off.  He did not run screaming.   Date no 3 with Ice cream man will be tonight.

And  as for my new job, I start in January so have 6 weeks to still enjoy my 'freedom' before I knuckle down and put nose to grindstone.

so its been a fairly interesting and exciting week.......... now all I need is to keep having positive thoughts and not feel as if I am cheating on A........

 

Thursday 14 November 2013

emotionally unavailable.....

I think I am getting wiser, I seem to be able to look back at my life and see clearly some things that have shaped me and the choices I have made.

I remember being aware that men liked looking at me, I developed breasts by the time I was 11 or so and became very quickly aware that not all men had good intentions and that some men would take advantage.
Having your Dads friend put his hands down your shirt to feel your "heartbeat",  quickly makes a young girl aware that all men are not like Granddad who's hugs made you feel safe.....I was 11 by the way.

My ex is about 7 years older than I am, and he was "courting" me from the time I was 13.  Hindsight again, if only I had told someone........
I stayed in a marriage fraught with emotional and physical abuse because I thought I had no choice.  I made the decision to marry this man, against my family's wishes and I thought I deserved the punishment.  No woman does.  I don't have nightmares anymore,  about the beatings, the torture, the curses and the mental anguish.  There were some years when there was no physical abuse, but he made up for that with the emotional abuse.  I was always afraid of doing the wrong thing, in the end I became apathetic, weak, with no opinion what so ever ( my opinions always got me a slap).

 Its taken me alot of years to move on and it has left several scars, some of which are that  I don't trust easily, I am wary of anything that is too good to be true (even to the point of ruining a relationship with my ever constant fear of the unknown) and that I thought that all men think with their dicks.

I am not a man hater, far from it.  I love men, but I seem to look for emotionally unavailable men because that is what I was.  With this getting older and wiser thing I wonder, as I now can identify what I was doing wrong, will I be able to seek men who want to treat me right and not feel like its an alien encounter? Will I be able to open my heart and seek out the men who are balanced enough to give me space and want to be with me?

I sure hope so as being emotionally unavailable is fucking tiring!


Sunday 10 November 2013

vanity thy name is woman

Would you go under the knife for vanity's sake?
I never thought I would.
Well technically I am not going under the knife or even injecting poison into my face to get that surprised and frozen expression but I am going to laser some things off my face and neck.

I have a few spots on my face/neck  and there's this one big spot under my eye and it looks like a tear and frankly I don't want those spots ( they have been diagnosed as Seborrheic Warts ) and its all part of ageing and those fucking spots and skin tags bother me.  They tell me that I am getting old, they tell me that I am vain no matter what I said decades ago about ageing gracefully!

So I went to see the skin doctor, who told me I could laser them off but they would return, to which I replied, well than I will be back to see you as long as I can afford it!  I couldnt use any insurance for the costs as it was a cosmetic procedure................which is when it hit me,
Jeez...... I was doing something cosmetic!  I was altering my appearance (well parts of the appearance) to make myself look better.  Part of me hates that I have been found out as a liar ( I wanted to age gracefully and embrace getting older......no dying of hair, no doing anything to keep ageing away....said by a 20 year old me!!)  and a vain liar at that.  but part of me (that voice in my head named Simone, my alter ego) says that its actually a clean up of the appearance rather than an alteration, which makes me feel better.

So Monday afternoon I will be lying in the doctors office having a few bits of me lasered off.  Will I post pictures (NO, too vain for that) but I will probably moan about the pain and if it leaves scars will just die and hide away forever!! ( drama queen Simone's voice)

Wednesday 6 November 2013

The interview

So I went for an interview yesterday.
I think I applied for at least 20 jobs minimum and only two replied with a rejection but thank you for applying email.  I looked at a few options in different industries doing admin work but somehow the only people who wanted to meet with me was another event company.

I went for the interview with mixed feelings, I knew I had to find a job, but did I want to go back to working in events.  It was just an interview I thought, go and see how things turn out I thought.
Once I was in there talking about what I have achieved professionally, I realized I did miss it, I did want to go back into the events industry, it was foolish to think I could ever leave it!

As for my dream of the motel or b&b, well that will have to wait till the twin is ready to work with me......

Oh did I mention I got the job.......

Friday 1 November 2013

let the games begin

After careful consideration (careful consideration being me at the computer after 2 glasses of Vodka and tonic) and countless hours of research on how to write a dating profile without coming across as desperate, I decided to ditch the idea of a dating coach and just try to incorporate all that I had learned off the magical highway of knowledge, and create a profile.

I decided to go back to one of the sites where I had first met A and Mr NZ, I did after all like those two men, and to my surprise, the website had cleaned up its act a bit and looked much better.

Most of these dating advice columns tell you to write a profile as if you were talking to a friend and not make a list of all your likes and dislikes.  So I went with that, and kept it simple and short.  My profile has been up for a week and like fresh meat, it attracts all the attention.  Some unwanted and mostly from scammers but hey at least there is some  action......right?

It's been fun to say the least, to read some of the ridiculous things they say, like one telling me his favorite movies are Miss congeniality and sleeping beauty and his favorite tv shows are Friends and sex in the city! Seriously!!
He either has really bad taste in movies, is gay and doesn't know it or just an idiot to think that I would actually believe that.

I intend to stick this one out for a few months and see what else the website throws at me, I might even go meet Mr congeniality if he really exists.  Time to flirt, flaunt and try to attract a man.......
so let the games begin.............





Saturday 26 October 2013

how to write an online dating profile?

Simple enough I suppose, but no, its harder than you think.
For those of you fortunate enough to have that significant other in your life this is something you wont have to bother with.  But for us single and perhaps desperate ones out there, the profile you  write will determine whether men will take notice or just delete.  The competition is fierce, and all you have is this one page with some witty words (or not) and a few pictures to capture a mans attention.  How to make that first glance count, how to make a man sit up and take notice.

So I did some research on the dating coaches out there that can help you post a good profile.  There are programmes out there that can help women like me to navigate this online dating world with ease.  Its an investment in yourself (these things cost money) and I figured I was a good investment.  I also researched the right websites, OKCupid was out, thats just a hook up site, which I learnt the hard way,  and match.com was fast becoming the same. Was there one for older people, people who werent 24 and bouncy? Did I really want to do this (again)?  

Getting my mind ready to take this plunge hasnt been easy and I have taken my time to wrap my head around dating again.  I know it will take time, I know it will take more than just a great profile on a dating website.  It will take commitment, a good sense of humour (when the dates and men are bad) and it will take perseverance.  

One thing I have never lacked is tenacity and wanting to get things right...........so yes I am ready to find a dating coach and get that brilliant profile posted.

If nothing else comes of it....at least I will have something to write about....

Tuesday 22 October 2013

mama's got a brand new toy (another one)

I have been frustrated with my old camera for a long time.  Its just one of those point and shoot cameras, the type that my dad used to call idiot proof cameras.
I bought that in 2008 and its been wonderful and while I did start off by using the auto mode on it, I gradually moved on to fiddling with the manual controls and even got a tutorial from A.

But those little handy cameras have their limitations so for some time now I have been itching to get myself a good digital camera.  I am not in the professional photographer class but I like taking pictures and I do seem to have an eye for composing a picture.  So  I flipped the papers daily to see if any specials were about and finally I saw two places advertising the camera I wanted.  It came with 2 lens, loads of freebies and I am like a kid with a brand new toy.
Nikon D3200

So while I am still unemployed and free, I have a new toy to play with.............

Saturday 19 October 2013

just a random post about nothing

so this morning started out quite focused until my sister cancelled a whiskey tasting we were supposed to attend ( yeah I know whiskey tasting on a Saturday morning........I thought I had died and gone to heaven).

it spiralled out of control after that......
I got on email, then saw an email from Pinterest...... and yes as usual once you get on that you lose a whole hour and think, what the fuck happened!
then the Motogp qualifying was on and I had to abandon Pinterest to watch that, and of course those damn bananas were getting mushy and I just HAD to make muffins but I had no walnuts so couldn't add some texture to the muffins but had to make them anyway.  Don't you just love texture in your mouth!!

I think I took too much Ventolin this morning....it makes me hyper..............

and its only 10.50am

Wednesday 16 October 2013

the tart

I love pies and tarts but have never been very successful making pastry.  Gluten free pastry is easier to handle so now I have no excuses not to try out tarts and pies.

the tart, decorating skills nil....
As I experiment with gluten free flour, I get more confident and I have always wanted to try a frangipane tart and as I had a few pears left over, the only natural thing to do was go googling and find a recipe I could convert to gluten free.

I found this Pear and frangipane tart recipe and substituted a gluten free all purpose flour blend that I have been using, from the website of the gluten free girl .  See HERE for the flour blend I used. 

There is about 250gms of butter in the whole recipe, which is a lot and I do have a problem with dairy but sometimes you just want that damn tart!
It came out perfect! And tasted even yummier.

slice of tart with herb tea


Not everything comes out perfect, on Monday I made some basic muffins using a normal muffin recipe, it didn't turn out too well.  It's still edible but just blah.... .... but I dont throw food away if I can help it so blah muffins have to be eaten...

Friday 11 October 2013

how to meet men....seriously, I want to know

I last had a few dates early this year, probably in January or February, after I went online on one of the free dating sites.  I didn't give it much of a go, as I wasn't that enamoured about dating or looking for anyone.
After that I headed off to London then New Zealand so dating was not my priority, and A was talking to me again, which made me as usual, hopeful..........well, that didn't end well and I find myself back at the beginning,  staring down at that road, full of toads, trolls and octopuses that pass off as men waiting to date.  I wonder what that makes me?

I don't know how else to meet men, except to go online.  I was never one of those women that could charm and flirt with all men, or go out and try to meet men in a bar.   I have to be attracted to a man before I would even bother, and it takes a lot to attract me, good looks for sure, but then I am one of those that finds Sam Allardyce attractive,  so go figure what I mean by good looks!
Big Sam is a football manager in England
But its not all about looks, its also about the meeting of minds.  If he can't engage me in conversation and keep the banter flowing, its quite hopeless.  I am attracted to a mans mind as much as his looks.
In Singapore dating is a young persons game, the older woman is left stranded as older men want young women on their arms and the younger men want MILF's just for sex.

Which bring me to my ego,  in a strange way it has taken a beating this last year with A telling me it was just sex and nothing else. It bothers me that my looks and body  is all that they want. I have never thought myself as beautiful and I still think its my personality people are drawn to, but......
I have a mind, and a decent personality to match which doesn't seem to be what they want. Don't get me wrong, I like sex, maybe too much but that isn't what it should be all about, right?

So what am I to do?  Online dating has had its 5 minutes of fame and while it still is one way, it is not the only way,  to meet people.  I read men's blogs about dating as well, just to see how the other half thinks and this one blog has caught my eye.  The Private man seems to think like me and that we should be looking at other options as well as online dating........

time to go check out the meet ups and the social sites I guess,  but the other questions  beg some attention.....am I chasing something elusive?  am I just too old to find that special someone?

Sunday 6 October 2013

nurture vs nature

My most fervent prayer the last few years was that my sons don't inherit any of their fathers mean, violent, scheming and shady characteristics.
Which in turn made me wonder if those traits are inborn or are they developed over time......I guess right now I know those traits are developed.
son 1 was always helping!
Watching my sons grow from eager, inquisitive and sometimes downright irritating children to decent, good, and still sometimes irritating adults has affirmed my belief in the nurture vs nature question.

My ex was  (and probably still is) a very charismatic and charming man. he knew all the right buttons to push.  He cheated people of their hard earned cash, telling them that he could double their money.  He was what these days you would call a Bernie Madoff.  He worked on the principle that greed was the easiest way to cheat people.  He even did it to my father, who invested in his money making schemes solely on the idea that I as his daughter would benefit from the business and have a comfortable life.  And me, while I can claim ignorance of all his dealings, have had even my own family question my involvement in those schemes. Which I guess is why I am totally suspicious of everything now and careful about money and investments....and follow a " if its too good to be true, it usually is"  motto.
When I left him I had nothing, zero in my bank account, and got nothing from him since.  Apart from cheating people, he cheated his own mother (selling all her jewellery that was entrusted to me to safe guard) he was abusive, verbally and physically towards me, he slept with every woman he knew, even his friends wives, he was lazy, thinking that life owed him a living and he was a coward.  He made me go out to face loan sharks, to tell them that he wasn't home.  It was only later that I learnt that those men had guns in their cars and were going to take him away to teach him a lesson  ....hindsight, hmmm.
at our old home in Johor
He did however believe in God and that he needed to do good deeds to counter the bad.......which is why some times he would pay from his ill gotten gains, for a full feast for the visually handicapped kids, while having the newspapers there to record his wonderfully altruistic deed....
The last I heard of him was that he was found in a ditch, having suffered a stroke.

Anyway
You see now why I prayed (and I am not a religious person) hard that my sons don't turn out like him.  My
boys are good men, they are caring, honest (most of the time, white lies don't count) honourable men.   For years they hated even having any physical resemblance to the ex and I tried to tell them its okay to have those similarities as long as they dont have his persona and character.

I think, No,  I know, that I have succeeded  at least in this one thing in my life.....


Tuesday 1 October 2013

musical poetry....the heartbreak playlist

I have always loved music.  Words especially.  Words, that  are the poetry of the modern world.  Words that make me happy, words that understand and empathise with my pain, heartbreak, and joy.  I have found comfort in music and the words several times over the years.
When I left my husband,  Alanis Morrisette's album Jagged Little Pill,  helped me get through the first few months of a very very painful divorce. The raw pain in those words and the anger, especially the anger, helped.  I know many people who make fun of that album but......

There are songs I cant listen to because it reminds me of my ex, and Pearl Jams' Betterman is one of the songs that I find  hard to listen to, even though I love Pearl Jam (its a song about domestic abuse) and there are songs that speak volumes about my own heartbreak.  It tells me that I am not alone in feeling hurt, vulnerable and can physically feel my heart break into bits.

So when A and I went through our seesaw non relationship/relationship these past few years, it was music that helped pull me through (apart from ranting and raving over the phone with the twin).  The sad songs, the angry songs, the getting over him songs.  The understanding it all, songs.  The heartbreak play list......

Going to California - led zeppelin
I'm not the one - The Black Keys (i should have listened better and read between the lines to what A was saying)
I want you - Bob Dylan
Romeo & Juliet - Dire Straits
Back to Black - Amy Winehouse
Kissing a fool - George Michael  (classic!)
Brain Damage - Pink Floyd (this isn't really about love but it helped!)
Make you feel my love - Adele (Bob Dylan's words)
With or without u - U2 (the usual I cant live without u song....)
All I want is U - U2
Things ain't like they used to be - The Black Keys
Lovers eyes - Mumford & Sons
Summer Son - Texas
Back to the house that love built - Tito & The Tarantulas
Ballad of a thin Man - Bob Dylan (nothing to do with love or break up but...)
Keep me in your heart - Warren Zevon
One more cup of coffee - The white stripes (reminder of the movie coffee and cigarettes)
Comfortably numb - Pink Floyd
Little black Submarine - the black keys
Wasting my time - The white stripes
Babe I'm gonna leave u - Led Zep (seesaw relationship!)
Since I've been loving u - Led Zep (the guitar solos are excellent and plant singing is so emotive)
You cant always get what you want - The rolling stones ( self explanatory!!)
I fought Piranhas - The White stripes
Wasting my time  White stripes
I cant make u love me - Bonnie Raitt  (ultimate!)

The songs have helped heal the pain and like the last line in my favourite Led Zep song (Going to California) it helps me tell myself that things can get better.
"Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams, 
Telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

Healing has taken a long time (as he keeps pulling me back and I follow) and I know that once you love someone that feeling doesn't go away, we just lock that part away and throw the key down a huge pit never to be found again.
I want to move on and find someone to love me back, someone who will make me his priority.  someone who can see me growing old (er) with him.
Another foray into online dating??......................
You tell em Bob!



Sunday 29 September 2013

death of the comics

I am one of those people that still likes to hold the newspaper and read it every morning.  While I get updates of news from the digital media I somehow like holding that paper and enjoying that coffee in the morning as part of a ritual that makes things good in my life.

Over the last few weeks however, a change has occurred that has left a bad taste in my mouth. The comics disappeared.  From 8 or more strips in the daily paper and  a two page spread in the Sunday papers it is now reduced to 2 in the daily and a quarter section in the Sunday papers.
Of course I wrote in to the papers to find out why!!

Seems I was not the only one asking this question as the paper put out an article about the loss of the comics, (Read it here) citing more content on the arts scene as the main culprit that the comics were sacrificed.  So I patiently read the papers looking for the content that replaced my comics and indeed yes there was more of the arts being mentioned in the section....However, there were also alot more advertisements.

So being the humble citizen that I am I wrote again to the papers asking them if content could be better managed with less advertisements and perhaps coming up with another supplement to move some content like boring parenting and kids stuff (we already have supplements on Wednesday to Friday on IT and digital things, health and fashion) and still have the comics...... lets see what they reply after they have had a laugh at my email....

Wednesday 25 September 2013

getting my ass in gear

I havent been writing much.  I havent been doing much of anything lately.

I was supposed to get my ass in gear and do the bathroom tiles but I have a very good excuse for not doing so.  My dads brother and his wife were down for a visit from India (Dads 2nd brother was born here but he had to go back to India to look after the family farm.  He was supposed to sort out his papers and come back here to live in 1966/67 but well life happened)
Anyway
frm left.  nephew, big sis, uncle, niece, mum, aunt, aunt.  back row- me, sis in law, bro, cousin

















Dads sister also came for a visit from Perth so it was like a mini reunion of sorts.  So I have been escorting the oldies around town on their shopping trips etc.  loads of fun but it also made me realise that Mum is slowing down considerably.  (picture is at her 76th birthday party) her knees are giving way(arthritis, the doc says) and she seems to get confused easily.  but thats a whole new post on ageing (if I get my ass in gear)

While it was fun being the oldies escort, I realised I was hiding from my own life.  So much easier to organise other peoples itinerary and lives.  I am bored to tears of staying home and playing house.  but I havent got the motivation to go out and do things.  Like taking pictures and going to the museum or even going out for a movie.  Its getting quite dire.  I dont want to end up a cranky old lady who is the resident hermit in the neighbourhood.  I have to get out of the house each day and do something productive and if on days when I stay home I need to be equally occupied.  Will that happen?   Hmmmm..........

Saturday 14 September 2013

DIY

DIY - Do it yourself.....many connotations especially in my single existence....
However this time DIY is all about re grouting my bathroom tiles.

I had grand visions of me being able to re grout both bathrooms and then proudly displaying it to all that "I did this".
Well as they say....the best laid plans......
I consulted my favourite medium....google and youtube....and it came up with plenty of videos on how to do it yourself.
Seems I have to dig out the old grout before I put in the new one!!  Who knew!
And it seems I have to buy this mechanical degrouting thingy as well as a a host of other tools.....
so before I start I have to go get these tools (not the mechanical one though)   A simple idea has now bitten me (once again) in the ass.

Monday 9 September 2013

how to break a bad habit

I seem to find myself involved with the same type of men over and over again.
I need to break the pattern, as frankly,  my poor little heart cant take the heartbreak that comes with it anymore.  I seem to find the men that arent interested in a relationship and love is never a part of what they offer.  Well dammit I am fed up of that and I need to break that bad habit. This song reminds me of all the men and all the mistakes I have made.(heres the link in case you cant see the video on the blog)


Thursday 5 September 2013

what else I saw in New Zealand

Standing at Cape Reinga,  it was like the end of the world up there. Miles of seemingly uninhabited coastline with crystal clear waters.  paradise!


What we also did that day was drive along the 90 mile beach.  It was a pretty cloudy day but sometimes the sun would come out of hiding and we would get blue skies and blue oceans
WL and me

where the spirits head home

As someone who doesnt believe in religion and all the pomp and ceremony that goes with it, I tend to sway towards old beliefs and customs.  To me they make more sense.
They believe in nature and the Gods are in the form of the earth, the sea and the sky.
In New Zealand I loved to listen to the folklore of the Maori and the places we went to gave me a better understanding of all the stories.

Up at Cape Reinga (Read here about the Cape) there were two such legends that made alot of sense to me.  Up here, at the northern tip of New Zealand two seas meet.  Its where the Pacific meets the Tasman sea and its the Meeting point.  A meeting of the Male and the Female.



Its is also where the spirits head home.  Where our spirits after we die, travel and launch themselves off the cliff and go home.
For someone like me who has lost faith in religion and mankind this place had a calming and deeply comforting aura about it.  It made me believe that perhaps I too would one day find my way home.