Tuesday 29 January 2013

freedom!!

I am elated, over the moon,  that I am free.

As soon as I quit my job I felt like a  giant weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I should have quit in 2011 and not let my then boss persuade me to stay on, and take on another portfolio in the company,  anyway he was marched out of the office in December that year by the group CEO.
I stayed on thinking things would change and I would be able to contribute effectively.   Things didn't get better and  I didn't have enough to do.  I was bored and not motivated enough to want to drive things or help out in the other departments.  Boredom is lethal, it saps your energy and puts a damper on everything you do.  I was suffocating.  It was time to go.   I  have to work out my notice and its a hell of a long notice ( 2 months!) but I am happier knowing that there is an end to this misery.

Time to put my travel plans into action. Time to get out and experience things that I want to do.  Time to live for myself and not be afraid what everyone will say/think.  I know my mother is going to be afraid for me when I tell her I have quit but.....
 Yes at 50 I still have to tell my mother that I have quit my job and am going to travel.  Mum  isn't the risk taking type and for me to quit with no job in had, and  to travel,  is like someone literally stepping in front of a speeding train.  I  haven't told son no 2  yet.... (telling son no 1 was easier, I just sent an email!!)

Come April, I will be in London, staying with my crazy madcap sister,  for a month at least,  who gets that I need to get away.
 Now all I have to do is work quietly through this notice period, hand over everything and walk away free as a bird!


Thursday 24 January 2013

let the healing begin

I haven't had the heart to write or post anything lately, its been a pretty depressing week and more.
 It didn't help that I watched two movies that depressed me even further.
 I know Amour won best foreign film at the globes recently but fuck me what a depressing movie.  Anyone who thinks its going to be a love story about an old couple, shouldn't go watch it. Its far from it. Its a tough movie to watch.  its about getting old and dying and feeling helpless and being alone.  After Les Miserables the week earlier, which  made me so depressed, fuck knows why I went to watch this one!

I know the depression is coming, all the signs are there.  I also quit my job yesterday.  This wasn't because of the impending dark cloud, but its something that I was planning for a while.  I am bored, not motivated, lack focus, no fucking interest in anything.  So its time to move.  But first I need time away, time to heal.

I didn't realise how hard it has been walking away from A.  The depression does have something to do with the break up and it also has alot to do with me not being able to cope with my daily existence.  I am questioning my very existence as well.
Oh and  I actually went back and practically begged him to think again about meeting halfway in our attempt of a relationship.  But if a man isn't interested, he isn't interested.  Its been hard trying to get that through my thick skull!

I don't want to jump back into a relationship with another man but I do want to date.
I know thats sort of confusing but I like the attention men pay me, the ego does feel better (its been through the fucking wringer lately) and if that helps me to heal, then that is what I will do.  Date as many one date wonders and enjoy the attention.

Will I find another one like A, who connected with me on so many levels, who made me tingle and made my heart skip a beat every time I got a text from him? I don't know.  Right now I don't care.
What I do know is that I have to get away and be my own person for awhile.  To experience different places and people and perhaps one day I will find someone, but not right now.  Right now I need to heal and become whole again.



Thursday 17 January 2013

hotel rooms

I am privileged to work in an industry where I get to visit hotels, get a chance to win free room nights in 5 star properties and get wined and dined.
In my earlier days in the industry, when I actually worked on the events, I got to travel and stay in fancy 5 star resorts and hotels around the globe.   I got spoilt with the 5 star treatment.  For my own holidays I have always had to 'slum' it and book 3 star places and while I know there will be differences in room sizes and bedlinen and the luxury factor, it  annoys me that some (like the hotel son no 2 and I stayed at in London in 2011)  forget that basic cleanliness shouldn't be compromised.

I get lots of hotels from the region coming to visit me in my office with updates and presentations of their beach resorts and exotic locations.  I sit there and dream of the perfect holiday while of course asking all the right professional questions (yeah right!!) I also get to do site inspections of hotels where you wander around the hotels oohing and ahhing.  While I maintain the outward appearance of the total professional,  my mind is working feverishly, thinking about the size of the bathtub (can two people get in) and of course if there are big mirrors in the room that perhaps one see from the bed/chair while having sex.
inspection done - there is a large mirror in front of that chair!
 Call me warped, kinky or just plain deprived but there is something about hotel rooms that bring out the wantonness in me.

Maybe because I never had the chance to go away with a significant other (never had a honeymoon and the ex didn't bother to take me anywhere alone) or the fact that its just this luxurious room that you don't have to clean up, but the idea of spending a couple of days holed up in some fancy resort  hotel room appeals very much to me.  To just spend all day naked in bed with room service.
One day perhaps................

Wednesday 16 January 2013

movie marathon

The best part of a new year is when all the new movies get released and of course the awards season (unfortunately here in sunny Singapore we don't get it on normal TV, its on cable and if you don't have the channel, too fucking bad, you cant see the golden globes or the Oscar's) Damn capitalist pigs!
anyway
With the new movies popping up faster than you can change your underwear, I have to spend my evenings after work watching carefully selected movies.   I watched Les Miserables last night and  yes critics
are slamming it for the singing etc but I loved it.  I love Russel Crowe and yes he cant sing but I don't care (and Hugh Jackman cant sing either but I am not complaining!) The story is gut wrenchingly  sad and I cried shamelessly throughout (yes I also needed a good cry)

On my list this week to watch is
Argo
Life of Pi
The Intouchables - watching this tonight
Amour
Silver Linings Playbook
These are the movies that have been released here and am waiting for Django Unchained (I love Tarantino) and Lincoln which I will watch on the big screen.  Daniel Day Lewis .... sigh, what does one say about him, nothing, you just enjoy the genius.


I most probably will be watching the movies on my own with a bucket of popcorn (although Les Miz was watched with a friend and I doubt popcorn would have gone down well during that movie, how do you munch away while watching the poverty and pain)
I have always liked watching movies on my own, its better, no disturbance, no chatter, unless of course I find  like minded friends.


So for the next few days I will enjoy my movie marathon week and escape into the celluloid world as right now my real world sucks big time.


Monday 14 January 2013

year of the snake

I love reading astrology and trying to see if I can predict what will happen to me (its a control thing, I don't like surprises!!)    I read my horoscope daily and sometimes  have a good laugh at it and sometimes nod my head and think, that the bored journalist/hack/intern  knows me in and out and all about  my life and what I feel!!

I read not one but two different horoscopes everyday.
The first is the usual, under my astrological sign of Libra. then  the other one which is my year of birth under the Chinese Zodiac,  the Tiger.  February 4th is usually the start of the Chinese New year and this coming year is the year of the Snake.  Not a very harmonious year for the Tiger it seems, but there are some precautions that one can take to salvage a difficult year.  To make sure I dont fucking ruin everything for myself in career and romance (and its supposed to be a bad year for romance too!!)

 I have to :-
Think before I leap
Don't make rash and reckless decisions
Keep my temper in check
Don't stick foot in mouth 
Be realistic

Its all good advice and I will (like previous years) make up a little poster ( A4 on powerpoint) and pin it up in my cubicle so that I can stare at it everyday and try my best to  be a good girl/woman, to breathe deeply and think before I rush headlong into any decision, to keep a check on my temper and have realistic expectations, while extracting foot out of mouth.

Friday 4 January 2013

an ego boost.....or is it just a personality disorder

So I got on the dating website again and I think I went on it to give my ego a boost.  Walking away from A is probably one of the hardest things I have done and feeling so down, I decided to do some mindless  prowling by joining this free site
Its a good way to get men to notice, comment and give compliments.  Its a much needed ego boost.  Or do I have a serious defect in my DNA that says I have no idea how and where to go to attract a man that I have to go online and prowl.
Anyway
I  doubt very much I will meet the man of my dreams on this site, I think I have given up on that. Also the man of my dreams didn't want a relationship!! (Oh shut up and get off the merry go round of woe is me! That 'voice' by the way,  is Simone telling me off)
Simone is me, my alter ego and no I do not have split personality disorder (hopefully).
You know how in Eat Love Pray or was it Eat Pray Love, doesn't matter,  but in the book/movie she hears voices that tell her things will be OK.  Well I have that in my head too and I suspect most of us do, I just named that voice Simone. I like that name.  I wish my parents had named me Simone and not some impossible to pronounce Indian name.
Where was I .....
Oh yes. going on the Internet to get an ego boost.
I am not ready to go out and date, but the boost my ego gets when men contact me makes up for the emptiness I feel inside.  it is like being out in a club with men hitting on you, only thing is you are safe at home in front of a computer, in your pyjamas and eating a bar of hazelnut chocolate.
Feel good factor lasts a few minutes.  Its a cheap but necessary ego boosting thrill.



Thursday 3 January 2013

obituaries

My mornings are always the same, feed annoyingly meowing cat at 5am, take thyroid medication, try to go back to sleep, sometimes I fail, sometimes I succeed.  Finally get out of bed by 6.30am and brew cup of coffee, check gmail (used to also go on facebook to perve at everyones lives) open front door in boxers and tank top and hope neighbour doesn't open his door, grab the papers and settle on sofa to read the papers with perfect cup of coffee.

My morning routine doesn't vary much, sometimes I make brown rice for my lunch box and sometimes I have to put away the dishes as I was lazy the night before.  But its my morning ritual.
Another habit I have procured over the years is to read the obituaries.  Its a morbid fascination.
I read, sympathise, and wonder about all the people that have died.  I wonder about their lives, were they happy, how they died.  Especially if its a young person, you wonder how they died and the pain the loved ones must feel to lose someone so young.  It is also where I learn of people I know who have passed on.  My doctors mother, My friends father, My sisters friend. A friends wife.

Today I saw an obituary that shook me up quite a bit.  I went out with him in 2006, we only had about 4 dates but he was funny and I liked him,  He wasn't divorced but had left his wife, only to go back to her as the kids needed him.  It was too complicated and I wasn't going to go into such a scenario.  He wasn't that old, I think he would have been 55 this year.   It shook me hard to see his face in the obituaries.  You don't think that someone you know will die.  Sure I know we all die, but you don't expect it, not like seeing Bill in the papers like that.  Its like a forceful reminder that life is short and you never know when it will end.

I have put off writing my will as I haven't really wanted to think about what to do with my things and property.  Time to sort out possessions, jewellery and property.  Time to get organised and write my will.

Wednesday 2 January 2013

plant killer has retired

living room window
 a plant called iron plant will survive!
In an other lifetime I used to have a garden and grow things quite successfully.  Then after the divorce and the new abode that we found ourselves in, my green thumb seem to shrivel up and die on me.  Recently it seems to have recovered its greenish hue and things are actually growing again.  As I am slowly adding new furniture in the home and with  the plants now looking healthy,  the flat is actually starting to look more stylish and chic instead of mismatched chic.
I still will not be able to grow/have too many plants as there is limited sunlight coming into the flat but its a start.
So change is in the air, for the home and for myself.  Now to tackle the kitchen