Tuesday 17 March 2015

Tinder.......21st century dating

The daily commute is boring.

We are squashed close to people we don't know nor want to know.  I get hair in my face, bags pushed into my hip and boobs and sometimes I get to peek into someones life.

There are several commuters that spend the time checking Facebook, playing Candy Crush( I seem to have gone off that game.....), replying to texts, reading the news and checking their Tinder account....all on their mobile phones.

This morning I got my first glimpse of what and how a Tinder account looks like. The sweet young thing next to me first had her daily dose of facebook then she switched to Tinder and I had a good look at how the app works.
She went through several pictures of men and only stopped at the Japanese or Korean looking ones and then went through their profiles.  but it looked ruthless ,  a quick look, swipe and he was gone.....
(I asked Google, and it seems there is a left swipe and a right swipe..... one to keep the person and the other to move on)

Dating in the 21st Century I guess.....

like everything the Millennials do, its quick and instant.  The generation of digitally savvy, selfie loving and perhaps narcissistic young people probably don't have the time to date like we used to.

It started with all the dating websites and has now moved on to dating Apps, as their mobile phones are no longer just a phone but part of their daily lives, so why not date with an app......

I am curious how it works but not curious enough to join something like this as am still very much confused about what I want, and son no 2 is on it as well......and frankly I would feel rather stupid downloading and creating a profile on a dating app at my age...

I used to find the websites daunting, with so many choices, people stopped wanting to spend time with one person as there seemed to be so many fish in the sea....now on Tinder I wonder how someone makes a choice and actually commits to one person...

The world is moving so fast and I worry about my son out there in the Tinder world of dating.  As a parent you want your child to find someone to spend his/her life with.  Someone to grow old with.  How on earth do you find someone on a phone app where there is only 1 second before that person swipes to the next profile?

Its a scary world out there and I wonder if Tinder just made it scarier?


Friday 13 March 2015

people are not as nice as they make out to be

So in the past few days I have been told to stop caring too much, by at least 5 people.

and a cousin told me, almost two years ago that  I had too much time on my hands which is why I liked to interfere in other peoples lives....

Over the past week I have had to stop myself from getting involved in the office and in some family matters and it has got me thinking.......

Am I interfering?  Do I have this massive desire to get involved in peoples lives?
navel gazing?
So I did a little navel gazing

When people come to me with a problem, I naturally seek a solution.  I figure that they tell me stuff as they must want a solution.... right?

I also have a sense of fairness that fucking  kills me.....I am always on the underdogs side ( unless it happens to be sport then all bets are off ).
When I feel that an injustice has occurred I will speak up and defend that person even if that person hasn't asked me to speak up for them.  I make it my mission in life to right the wrongs......to always find the right way to be.

we think we do good for others....

If you hurt someone I love, I will defend them.  If you hurt someone who is vulnerable, I will defend them.
If I know that someone is being taken for a ride, I want to shake that person and tell them to wake up and see that the world is not a nice place.

I end up being let down by people I want to and have helped.  I take it personally when they fuck up.
I end up being labelled feisty and opinionated when I stand up for people....which to me is not a bad thing but sometimes I do think that I care too much what happens to everyone around me.  I want to fix things for everyone.

I know I have to stop as I get really upset and cant sleep when things don't get fixed.  I want people to be honest, good and not have an ulterior motive because that is what I aspire to be.

If only everyone could be nicer.........






Monday 9 March 2015

the place of poisoned smiles

Most offices are a hotbed of gossip and cliques, very much like high school which we thought we left far behind when we entered the working world.....

I hate to break anyones bubble but the working world is exactly like the playgrounds we thought we had graduated from.

The popular people still are the ones in charge and the misfits like me watch in horror as  they takeover the boardroom and press their agenda forward.

I am tired of dodging bullets and knives that are constantly being thrown at me, I am tired of knowing that behind the smiles and cheerful banter lie cold hearts and scheming minds.
I have always been a straight up, no nonsense  person and I forget that not everyone is cut from the same cloth.  I forget that people will step all over you to get their way.

The office politics is getting extremely tiresome. I knew this place had alot of  venom floating around and I wrote about it after a few weeks of joining the company and  My old post, Life lessons from a non swimmer described the back stabbing environment.

Problem is I care what happens and I care enough to want to make this environment as non toxic as I can and I sometimes get caught up in the whole making a difference thing but the people I fight for, end up joining the other side, leaving me feeling like I have just gone through a revolving door too many times.

So I am feeling sorry for myself right now.  Friday morning was such a positive high that the back stabbing on Friday evening left me quite shell shocked......
I am too sensitive I know, and I do know that I forget to take my own advice.... "Its nothing personal, its just a job"
My desire for everyone to like me takes over and  I hate that there are people here that dont.  So I shall wallow in self pity, mope around and stay away from everyone that doesnt like me......just for a
little while.

SIGH.........

Stephen Fry > Quotable Quote

Stephen Fry

“Certainly the most destructive vice if you like, that a person can have. More than pride, which is supposedly the number one of the cardinal sins - is self pity. Self pity is the worst possible emotion anyone can have. And the most destructive. It is, to slightly paraphrase what Wilde said about hatred, and I think actually hatred's a subset of self pity and not the other way around - ' It destroys everything around it, except itself '.

Self pity will destroy relationships, it'll destroy anything that's good, it will fulfill all the prophecies it makes and leave only itself. And it's so simple to imagine that one is hard done by, and that things are unfair, and that one is underappreciated, and that if only one had had a chance at this, only one had had a chance at that, things would have gone better, you would be happier if only this, that one is unlucky. All those things. And some of them may well even be true. But, to pity oneself as a result of them is to do oneself an enormous disservice.

I think it's one of things we find unattractive about the american culture, a culture which I find mostly, extremely attractive, and I like americans and I love being in america. But, just occasionally there will be some example of the absolutely ravening self pity that they are capable of, and you see it in their talk shows. It's an appalling spectacle, and it's so self destructive. I almost once wanted to publish a self help book saying 'How To Be Happy by Stephen Fry : Guaranteed success'. And people buy this huge book and it's all blank pages, and the first page would just say - ' Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself - And you will be happy '. Use the rest of the book to write down your interesting thoughts and drawings, and that's what the book would be, and it would be true. And it sounds like 'Oh that's so simple', because it's not simple to stop feeling sorry for yourself, it's bloody hard. Because we do feel sorry for ourselves, it's what Genesis is all about.”


― Stephen Fry

Friday 6 March 2015

What's in a name? that which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet;

Asian names are a bit of a challenge

Each race has their own way of having their name written.  I am Indian and I was born into the Sikh religion, and we complicated things even more when our tenth and last Guru,  Guru Gobind Singh decreed that we were to have  Kaur ( for females) and Singh (for males) as our last names.

(See below for an excerpt from Wiki explaining the Singh & Kaur names)

So my name in full is very different from what I am known as to all my friends, family, acquaintances, on social media, colleagues, suppliers, work related partners..... well you get the drift..
I am known to everyone as Puteh Gurm.  Puteh is not my given name it is a nickname my grandmother gave me when I was a couple of months old as I was a very fair baby and Puteh means white in Malay


I grew up hating my real name (I still do) as no one could pronounce it, and that included the "Kaur".  Chinese and Malay friends and colleagues didn't understand nor did they want to try to understand, what my name meant and why I had the Kaur in it.  I also had my family name Gurm tagged on at the end, which confused them even more. On all official documents like passport, bank accounts etc, my real full name is listed.  On my business cards and my email address I am Puteh Gurm.. Even my own mother uses this nick name and not my real name.

The Malays have a different way of naming their children.  for example a woman would have a name like Roslinda binte Suleiman.  It translates to Roslinda daughter of Suleiman.  A male child would have Roslan Bin Suleiman, Roslan son of Suleiman... So its not really a surname or family name like Smith or Jones. Each child would just have their fathers name at the end,

The Chinese have a surname but they tag it at the beginning  of their names - example Tan Ming Choo - Tan being the surname or family name.  Some Indians only have one name and follow the Malay way, and add in the fathers name at the end of it........
Yes it is as complicated as it sounds and most of us don't bother to learn the differences in the way names are being written or which one is the last name or the first name.

Try cleaning up a database of names where first names were entered last and surnames first, for a 500 guest event, with guests from all races and having a registration list that states last names first.......

I wrote this post because I am tired of being addressed as Mr. Puteh on emails.
Now firstly lets talk about the fact  that they didn't bother to find out if I am Male or Female, they assumed.
Secondly they used my first name thinking that it would be like the Chinese ( funny how the dominant majority always think that everyone follows their way) way of having the family name written first.
So today I politely wrote back to the person informing them of the oversight

"FYI it is Ms not Mr and Puteh is my first name so to address me using Ms it should be Ms Gurm or just Puteh".

Its not only on email but at airports especially at the Australian Immigration that I get asked repeatedly why I have entered Gurm as family name when it should be Kaur......No it isn't supposed to be Kaur.  I have the right to use Kaur as a  MIDDLE name   (or rather its in my bloody passport and birth certificate so I cant get rid of it if I wanted to .....I could by deed poll but that's just too damn difficult)

Gurm is my last name, that is the family name and I will use that as my last name on all immigration forms.....but the Australian Immigration  just aren't culturally advanced enough to listen when I try to explain it.  I get told off for being difficult!

Trust me, I want it simple too.  I just want to be known as Puteh Gurm.......





Excerpt from Wiki - the part about gender equality is fascinating....I wonder if the less progressive in the Sikh religion knew that.....
Kaur is a name used by Sikh women either as the middle name, or as a last name. It can be regarded as a true surname.[citation needed] The tenth guru of Sikhs, Guru Gobind Singh, made it mandatory for Sikh females to use the name Kaur and for Sikh males to use the name Singh, when he administered Amrit (baptism) to both males and female Sikhs. All female Sikhs were asked to use the name Kaur after their forename and males were to use the name Singh. (Since 'Kaur' means "Princess", the name acts as a symbol of equality among males and females.) This custom further confirmed the equality of both genders as was the tradition set by the founder of Sikhism, Shri Guru Nanak Dev Ji. It was intended to give women a sense of self-respect. Singh is also used by some females because Singh can be a last name. It is the most common last name used by Sikhs.
Kaur provides Sikh women with a status equal to all men. This was also intended to reduce the prejudice created by caste-typing based on the family name. Prejudice based on caste was still rampant during Guru Gobind's time (17th century). This particularly affected women who were expected to take their husband's family name upon marriage.[2][3] The British required women to take on their husbands' names.
Sikh principles believe that all men and women are completely equal. Therefore, a woman is a princess and can lead her own life as an individual, equal to men. She does not need a man's title to raise her own status. Saying this would go against the principles stated in the Sri Guru Granth Sahib, the religious text of Sikhism. Guru Nanak Dev Ji states:
From woman, man is born; within woman, man is conceived; to woman he is engaged and married.

Woman becomes his friend; through woman, the future generations come.
When his woman dies, he seeks another woman; to woman he is bound.
So why call her inferior? From her, kings are born.
From woman, woman is born; without woman, there would be no one at all.


another epiphany in the shower

I seem to have all my life realisations in the morning when I am shampooing my hair.

I wonder if its because I am cleansing, that my mind seems to clear itself of the cobwebs and somehow the sun shines into the brain and presents answers to all the shadowy questions lurking in the corners of my mind...

Or is it that I have had a good nights sleep and can actually think clearly in the morning and by the time I am in the shower, the mind has had that shot of caffeine,  I am alert.

All I know is that I see clearly in the morning and when I think about the problems that seemed impossible the night before, somehow it seems to have solved itself....its no wonder the oldies used to say that everything will look better in the morning....it bloody really does.

I have been struggling with juggling work, spending time with loved ones and trying to have a life.  I have been trying to cook up a storm each weekend to feed my baby but I know he doesn't want me to get exhausted for him yet I feel guilty if I didn't!

This guilt is something we place on ourselves because someone, somewhere in our past thought we weren't good enough so we end up going the extra mile to please everyone........but no one wanted to be pleased in the first place.

well that was my epiphany.....I was trying to do too much for everyone else without asking them if they really wanted it....

Its amazing what  a good nights sleep and a good shampoo can do!


Wednesday 4 March 2015

greed vs need vs over eating

Every year around Chinese New Year, I get invited to hotels for thank you dinners and lunches.  The hotels like to coincide it with Chinese New Year so that they can also welcome the new year with us.

We do a Lo Hei dinner or lunch, where we toss the salad while asking for a good year ahead ( check with Wiki HERE on the meaning of Lo Hei )

With my gluten intolerance I struggle with accepting the invitations, as all Chinese food contains some soya which contains gluten and leaves me struggling after each meal.  This year I missed a couple of dinners as I had taken time off to be with family  but I had to attend our office Lo Hei twice, one with the management team that did not bother to listen to my protests on my dietary restrictions and again on Monday at a hotel restaurant which offered a buffet lunch.
This is where you learn things about your colleagues.  I learnt that several of them were greedy and took more food than they needed and left untouched portions of chicken, vegetables, prawns and several  other bits of food.  You lose respect for people that waste food....

Anyway.....

Gluten Free menu - 7 dishes 
That same night I had a dinner invitation at one of the larger convention hotels which had said they would organise a gluten free meal for me.  I was interested to see how they pulled it off, as one earlier dinner a few weeks ago promised but never delivered the gluten free meal.

the other menu - 8 courses
 I got one less dish than the other diners on the table, and they gave me a green salad to eat with chopsticks.  I would have preferred the scallops...............
the green salad 

All in, it wasn't a bad effort on the part of the hosts but it could have been better......... maybe I should offer my services as a gluten free meal adviser?


poached chicken....was tasty!
I know, beggars cant be choosers but as a world class destination for meetings and exhibitions we definitely need world class cuisine for any dietary restrictions.  I was thrilled though that I got to eat with my colleagues and enjoy the night and not worry about having to suffer the consequences.

fish with coriander sauce
Singapore is a gourmands playground, we have all sorts of food that
Not a gluten free option.....pity
cater to all sorts of budgets.  Michelin starred chefs to the humble hawkers.  You could eat in a different restaurant or a different hawker place for a month and not repeat the same location.  Too much food........which begs the question do we really need so much......