Wednesday 27 January 2016

Loveless liaisons

So....I have been with A for awhile now and we have stopped and started our arrangement from Nov of  2009.

My reasoning for going back and resurrecting the arrangement a dozen times, was that I didn't want to be without him, no matter how little he gave back.  I was happy with any smidgen of attention he threw my way.

He set rules on what we could and couldn't do and I was not allowed a goodbye kiss after an assignation.
No involvement, no meeting for anything else except to fulfil our mutual need for sex (which isn't just sex but a meeting of trust, solace, mutually beneficial pleasing of each other.....and alot of other crap I let myself believe)

I compromised on what I wanted, which was a full relationship with him, just to have that tiny piece that he gave.
Compromise....no doormat actually.  That is what I have been.

I recently told him no more (again) as he started to lay more rules, that we couldn't meet at my place as my son would know he had been (as the smell of his cigarettes would linger and son would know he had visited) and he didn't want to get involved....

Side track a bit here......
it was quite hilarious once, I usually plan our assignations when Son isn't home and I know he wont be back till late, well Son came home as we were sitting on the sofa after sex, watching TV and chatting.  You know those Mastercard ads.....well A's face was quite priceless when Son came home and saw him......  We've been 'caught' only once.....

Anyway
after a bit of back and forth with him, he throws in a question
"Do I think the sparkle is lost a bit?"  he thinks maybe it has.....

So its no more, I want a relationship with a man who wants to be with me, someone who isn't afraid to love me.  (sounds like an echo ......I have written about this soooooo maaannnnyyyy times)
I dont blame him though, its me that thought I could make him love me.  Maybe he would want a relationship with me, maybe he would love me enough to want to try some compromises of his own.....Yes he has said " it's me not you"  a dozen times....
Yes I want to kick me too..

I did see what a relationship could be like with P, but he smothered me a little and I retreated pretty quickly. So its trying to find a balance, its looking for someone to have an adult relationship with,  not as A put it, a complication.

Am I done with our loveless liaisons...I sure hope so.  I give my friends permission to bitch slap me into tomorrow if I go back to it.


Friday 22 January 2016

escapism

So in my usual way I have been escaping my mundane life

I have been going to the movies.

I have a ritual when I flee to the cinema to escape, and woe be anyone that gets in my way.  This afternoon, the first day of my three day weekend, I decided to head into town to watch The Danish Girl.  I must have popcorn while I snuggle into the chair in the darkness of the cold cinema, looking up into the screen, all ready to elude reality.

Today however the cinema popcorn stand was unable to sell me popcorn, because they had a system breakdown and all the tills were inoperable.  I was told to try the stands down stairs, which I did and it was the same situation there.  Now I am the sort of person who likes to get into my seat in the cinema, before the ads start or event the trailers....... so there I was 10 mins to get to my seat with no popcorn and being confronted by absolute idiots who were rude and unwilling to tell me anything except that they needed exact change if I wanted to purchase anything.... I asked if I could take in food from anywhere else ( I was hungry as I skipped lunch for the popcorn) as the cinema halls have a strict policy of no other food allowed in.... I was just told to ask her manager who was all in a flap as the system was down.... duh!!

Well suffice to say, I was not a happy camper but I left them to it, got fries from Mcdonalds, and hid it in my handbag, and went to find my cinema hall and my seat to retreat  into the shadowy bowels of celluloid dreams...

Sunday 10 January 2016

Dead Media

My TV died

It just stopped working, and on checking, found that the warranty to repair it for free expired in Nov 2015....
I subscribe to cable television because there isnt anything to watch on normal TV, and I had just renewed my package for another 2 years.  I feel cheated in a way, no TV but I have the subscription.

I called the service centre and trying to get someone to actually listen and fix an appointment to come down to take a look at it, took me 2 days.  I finally managed to talk to the technician and he quoted a price and said someone will call to make an appointment....I am still waiting.
As it is the weekend I cant call them back to find out an appointment date until Monday.  I wont be able to get an appointment on the days I work, which means a whole week without the TV, or more.

I have missed the white noise in the background as I reluctantly finish up the household chores, but then I am also forced to tackle some things without the distraction of mindless drivel on the TV.

I cleared out my whole room, cleared out my wardrobe and as I had to pack away my winter coats, after my trip to London which wasnt very cold anyway... also cleared out all the old woollen turtle neck sweaters I have had sine the 70's..  cleaned every bit of furniture in the room ....son no 2 said I was bored... I think its just less distraction.

I do have a thumbdrive full of season 3 of Orange is the New Black which I have to get through so that has been occupying my evenings, and I am reading again, 3 books at once though...
and son no 2 subscribed to netflix...

Which begs the question - Are TV's and the old mediums of media obsolete?
another post perhaps.
for now I am busy cleaning the corners and hardly touched areas of the home..

Friday 1 January 2016

the year of endless possibilities

2015 was supposed to be my year of endless possibilities... and in a way it was.

I changed jobs, went back to  my old employer and am actually wondering if I did the right thing... well only time will tell but one thing I know I did right was to walk away from a job that was getting me down because of the bitterness and bullshit in the atmosphere.

I finally was honest with myself about my feelings for A and what I wanted from a man.  Its baby steps for now and I am learning about circumventing this whole 'non' relationship thing. I have no idea where it will go with A but I am determined to try.  Enough of hiding away and waiting for something to happen.

I made it to a live motogp race in Malaysia, which I did by myself.  It was exhilarating, scary but great fun, and I made a new friend there.

My Resolutions for 2015 were not quite resolutions,  but I promised myself the following:

Blog more
Take more time off to take pictures
And be as honest as I can be.....

I think I did achieve some of them... How does one measure the achievability ( is that even a word)  of a resolution anyway?  its not like a KPI or anything....

So all in all not a bad year..actually quite a good year...

so what are my resolutions for 2016...... No procrastinating....

Its going to be an interesting and exciting year as I have a wedding to attend... son no 1 will be getting married in Canada in August and the family is gearing up for a couple of weeks in Canada to witness the joyous occasion. I am going to be a mother in law!

I am also determined to go to Sepang again to watch Valentino Rossi attempt to win his 10th championship.
I intend to use my Fridays off fruitfully and not just make it about cleaning the flat and cooking.

I foresee a few bittersweet moments in 2016 as well, P has found a new Girlfriend.  I want him to be happy, to find someone that will make him happy and love him as he is the sweetest man I know, I just hope his new girlfriend is secure enough to allow me to spend time with him.

And as for never being kissed when the clock strikes 12 on New Years eve.... well I guess I have to work on that too... another resolution perhaps?






new years eve

I have spent almost all New years eve alone...even when I was married and in company of family, i spent it alone.

When I was married, the husband would go off and spend new years eve at parties without me...I was home with my babies, and when I left him, the trend of being alone on new years eve, continued, except when family insisted I attended whichever party was happening.
I have welcomed the new year at the Club, at cousins, at mums, with family around me but when the clock struck 12, I always was alone.  I watched people kiss each other, and yes I envied them....its been years since I have been kissed by a man full on the lips to welcome the new year...actually I cant remember the last time that happened.

I have never felt a mans arms around me, holding me, telling me he loved me and that he looked forward to another year with me....

oh well, thats life...