Friday 30 June 2017

and pigs have flown


I have always let people walk all over me.
From my family, where my siblings ‘bully’ me into submission,  but it's really just that I can't be bothered to argue, so I let them have their victories on small issues but I do dig my heels in on causes I strongly believe in.

My son – who thinks I am giving him a hard time when I expect him to man up and pick up after himself and contribute to the household expenses.

A,  who I hope will want a relationship but meekly agree to just do it his way.

I allow them to lead me up the garden path and pull me by my nose ring like the cows,  (I do have a nose ring actually) in any direction they choose.  I let it slide as I don’t like the drama that comes with confrontation, but then after a few months of running around like a headless chicken for everyone, I tend to blow up.  Like the proverbial volcano.
 I have tried to talk to people to tell them to stop, that it's not working for me,  but the words seem to get stuck in my throat.  I don’t want them to get angry with me so I swallow it all up until the volcano blows.
 Its two extremes.  I am either passive or so aggressive, that I put Jeckyll and Hyde to shame.
I am trying to change that, I am trying to confront issues but it's not working…I sweep it under the carpet and hope the pile doesn't get too big, but it does, hence Vesuvius blows.


I need to stay calm and sit the son  down and be up front about his behaviour and up front with A and tell him what I want and see where the chips fall, and tell my family to back off a bit… yeah and pigs will fly...
Hmm is that a flying pig I see..


Sunday 18 June 2017

life in monochrome

Life is never just black & white

its never that simple

Pictures on the other hand can be, simple, clean, in monochrome
not that old a building



I have been trying to get some pictures of the old buildings i like in Singapore, buildings from the 1930's to the 1950's. There is this building I pass every day on my commute to work.  Its not old, well not that old but its dirty, moss covered, and sits alone next to a petrol station, with a spiral staircase at the back, moss covered and a little creepy..



I love spiral staircases, most of the older shophouses in the area had back access to alleys via these stone spiral staircases.

I just love them..
I have a thing for spiral staircases



probably built in the 1940's 0r 50's


see more of the pictures on my flicker page

Saturday 17 June 2017

restless ramblings

I am sure its not only me, I am sure we all have days when we wake up in the morning and wonder “what the hell am I doing with my life”
Those sort of days seem to be getting more frequent for me.

I wonder if this is it, is this all there is to life.  I am unhappy, I know that much, but I don’t know how or what to do to change it.
Its bullshit when people  say “if you want change you just have to take that first step”

There's more to it than that.  There are other things to consider.

Responsibilities that weigh heavily.

My mother for one, and son no 2.  I want to leave everything behind, sell my home and say fuck the responsibilities and I am off, but I cant do that.  I feel tied down, constricted.

My mother said to me she was glad that P and I didn’t work out, as she was afraid that I would leave and go off with P.  that did throw me a little,  that she was so selfish and actually wanted the relationship to fail.
My mother is a complex creature who has learnt the artful use of manipulation as a tool to manipulate us,  to feel guilty, when we don’t spend all our free time with her.  The perfect Indian mother.
There are days I resent her and I hate myself for it.

I am restless because I find myself wishing son no 2 would leave home, get married and start his own family and finally I can start living my own life.
But how can a mother want her child to leave the nest… and why do I feel that I cant live my life…Ah Yes, I want to sell my flat and go find another place to live, far away from all my responsibilities and that would mean son no 2 will have no home.  My mother did a good job, I am a guilt ridden female Indian adult child. the burden of responsibilities......

I am restless also because of A, because I will not tell him the truth of what I want for fear that he will no longer want to spend the little time he does spend with me should he know the truth.  He has put me in one little compartment of his life and I am confined to that one little box.  It is getting claustrophobic.
Its almost poetic, this feeling of not belonging and the lack of feeling of belonging. its almost poetic, when people end it all
Why do people top themselves… because they feel confined, boxed in, they see no other way out

There have been dark days when I think ending it all will free me but I haven't reached that final stage where it all seems hopeless.

I talk myself back into facing life, talk myself out of the deep abyss, crawl out of that dark hole and pretend that everything is alright and I am not restless, I do belong…until the next time the darkness descends


Sunday 4 June 2017

my day to regain my sanity

I usually go out to take pictures to regain my balance, bring back the sanity

apart from writing things down, my camera ensures I dont end up in a mental hospital.

its been a while since I went out and enjoyed a day out, before P left for Monaco we had a day out in aa nature reserve in singapore, Sungei buloh is a wetland reserve up north west of the island.








its where bird watchers go, and of course anyone who wants a stroll in nature, while looking out for crocodiles.. yes crocodiles.. and lots of monitor lizards that do look like a smaller version of  the Loch Ness Monster..

a day out in nature, fighting mosquitoes, humidity and heat, but i loved it


didn't see any crocodiles.. fortunately
Morning view 


Nessie's cousin...
to see more pics of my visit to sungei buloh - I split the albums in categories

sungei buloh

the lizards

the flowers at Sungei Buloh

Someone to come home to



I have, for the last decade, been searching for someone.  Someone to love me, someone to want me, someone to be with.

I found A, who didn’t want a relationship but was happy to “see” me once in a while
I found P who only wanted companionship.

I  hung around A making puppy eyes at him hoping he will one day look at me and realise I was the one he was waiting for all his life……yes I am delusional…

As for P,  we hung out, we went for movies, walks, dinners, plays, concerts… and it was real fun, he became like my best friend.. then he moved to Monaco..

So I now find myself wondering where to go
I am still seeing A occasionally and we text a few times on and off and there are days when I am tempted to tell him to go fuck himself and leave me alone but then there are days I think maybe even a little bit of him is good enough.

I miss P, we talked and spent time quite a bit of time together,
I somehow seem to have fallen for two men,  both giving me different things and both of whom don’t want a relationship with me..

what are the odds eh.. I know for sure there has to be something wrong with me that I look for  men that are equally broken as I am, men who wont commit, men who dont want to be that someone I come home to..